Psychoanalysis Bound to Be a Bummer for Boomer Bill

Poor Bill Clinton.

Over the next four years, he’s certain to be subjected to a punishment unlike that experienced by any President in history.

Forget foreign crises. Forget the country’s economic problems. The fate that awaits the President-elect will make deficit-reduction seem no more complicated than solving the TV Guide crossword puzzle.

No, as the first baby boomer in the White House, Clinton will be psychoanalyzed from his first day in office until the day he’ll be only too willing to pass the torch.

Clinton knows what’s coming. Is there any wonder he hasn’t had the customary post-election news conference yet?

He can’t duck the press forever, of course, and when he has his news conference sometime soon, it’ll probably go something like this:

Clinton: “Before I start, I’d just like to take a moment to talk about a man we lost recently. We’ve seen a lot of people pass away over the years, people we could trust, people who were heroes to me when I was growing up. And it’s happened again, but I know he’d want us to carry on like he taught. He was an inspiration to me and a lot of my friends, so I’d just like to thank him for what he left us. Of course, I’m talking about the Rifleman. . . . And now, I’ll take some questions on that or any other subject.”

Press : “Tell us, Mr. President. You’ve deplored trickle-down economics. Could it be that your economic program is dictated by the fact you were bottle-fed instead of breast-fed?

Clinton: “Well, yes, I remember the day I first realized I was drinking from a bottle. It was a Thursday, and there were lots of clouds. I remember feeling a kind of alienation and detachment from the world.”

Press: And as a follow-up, what effect did starting kindergarten at age 4 instead of 5 have on your policies?”

Clinton: “That’s a fair question. I don’t mind sharing my thoughts with you. You’re right, before I knew it, I was in kindergarten. Mom and the teacher said I was ready, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that Mom needed some time for herself, and that I was the reason she couldn’t have it. So, I had some guilt. Who wouldn’t?”

Press: “Were you ever spanked?”

Clinton: “Not until I met Gennifer Flowers.”

Press: “A lot of eyebrows were raised in Washington last week when you voided every international treaty the U.S. has. Why did you do that?”

Clinton: “Look, I was not having a good hair day, OK? I’m not saying that’s why I did it, but I know it’s something I have to work on--not letting my hair affect my decisions as President.”

Press: “Sir, is your inability to forge consistent and reliable policies a result of the fact you moved around as a child?”

Clinton (biting lip as eyes mist over): “That’s a tough one . . . That’s just a real tough one for me . . . I’m going to have to take a pass on that.”

Press: “Mr. President, is your reluctance to trust the elders in Congress a byproduct of your contempt for the hypocrisy of your parents’ generation, magnified by the disillusionment of Watergate and Vietnam?”

Clinton: “That’s what my therapist thinks. I haven’t worked it all the way through yet.”

Press: “President Bush established personal relations with world leaders. Do you expect to get to know them as well as he did?”

Clinton: “You can’t really know anyone well until you know yourself, and that’s what I’m working on right now. For now, I just want to know who Bill is.”

Press: “All right, sir, let’s move to the Balkans. What about their problems?”

Clinton: Hey, what about my problems, huh? What about my needs? Is it too much to take five minutes to talk about what I need?”

Press: “What do you mean, sir?”

Clinton: “I’ll tell you exactly what I mean. Has any other President grown up under the pressure of the bomb? Did Lincoln duck under a desk when he was in third grade? I don’t think so. Did Jefferson have to troop down into a bomb shelter? (Pauses, exasperated.) I don’t even know why I’m putting myself through all this. Believe me, I am together. I am perfectly fine. Whatever’s wrong with you people, that’s your problem. You people are so--(he’s getting visibly angry) . . . Oh, forget it. What’s the point? I don’t feel like any more questions right now.” (He walks away from podium.)

Press: “You seem pretty upset, Mr. President. Where are you going?”

Clinton: “Someplace where I can have a good cry. You guys bum me out.”