REPORT CARD / T.J. SIMERS : Running On Empty
C: QUARTERBACKS
Scoreboard made note that Charger helmet cart is available for rental and way things are going John Friesz will be driving it. No matter who starts next year, 24-hour race at LeMans will take less time to run than a 100-yard dash by Friesz or Stan Humphries.
B+: RUNNING BACKS
End the controversy: Give Ronnie Harmon the Heisman Trophy. If Chargers are really serious about competing in the playoffs, they ought to finance trip to Lourdes for Rod Bernstine.
C: RECEIVERS
Shawn Jefferson clowns around, he juggles the ball, yes kiddies, watch him do magic and disappear. Because Aztecs won’t be going to a bowl, how about loaning Darnay Scott to Chargers for rest of the year?
A: OFFENSIVE LINE
If you think these guys are good at throwing their weight around, just wait until after they’ve had their Thanksgiving dinner. Speaking of turkeys, Ort the Raider is still probably convinced that John Clay should be starting for the Chargers.
A: DEFENSIVE LINE
State Lottery Commission has asked to use videotape of Chris Mims at work to advertise introduction of Keno: “If this guy can get lucky, so can you.” How slow is Testaverde? Burt Grossman sacked him.
A: LINEBACKERS
Former Charger Gary Anderson may be able to leap tall buildings and Miami defenders in a single bound, but even Superman wouldn’t take on Junior Seau. Kevin Murphy plays for Chargers. Now you know why Bucs let him go.
A: DEFENSIVE BACKS
Chargers must battle fearsome likes of Tomczak, Testaverde, Schroeder, George and Stouffer. Late-season request to face Tolliver is denied. Announcement that team will re-open Hall of Fame does not break Donald Frank’s concentration.
UFO: SPECIAL TEAMS
A copyright story in this week’s National Enquirer suggests that little green men assumed the identity of Charger special teams performers several weeks ago, and they have the out-of-this-world statistics to prove it.
A: COACHING
ESPN and XTRA’s Dave Campbell noticed it first: Separated at birth--Knute Rockne and Bobby Ross . . . by the way, are they sure Knute Rockne was really in that plane when it went down?
