RELATIONSHIPS : Radio Therapist Channels Intimate Voices of Imperfect Strangers

Laura Schlessinger constantly encourages her listeners to be honest and direct, and she’s about to practice what she preaches.

Just as the KFI (640 AM) talk radio psychotherapist sits down to do an interview, a fan from Fullerton, who has quietly watched Schlessinger broadcast her live two-hour call-in show from a statewide women’s conference at the Anaheim Marriott, sheepishly interrupts.

“I probably should have asked you this while you were on the air, but I have a problem that I’d really like to talk with you about,” she begins. But before the woman has a chance to cut to the chase, Schlessinger takes control of the conversation with the same friendly but no-nonsense style that has helped make her a popular mainstay on Los Angeles radio for nearly 15 years.

“I wish I had the time to talk with you right now, but unfortunately I don’t,” Schlessinger says with a smile. “I have someone waiting for me. But I am giving a speech and taking audience questions at 3:30 in the ballroom down the hall. If you’ll ask your question then, I’ll be more than happy to answer it.”

With that, Schlessinger returns to her turkey sandwich and the business at hand.

“I’m always telling my listeners to set limits so they don’t end up feeling crazed and resentful in their relationships,” Schlessinger says. “It’s important for me to do the same thing. I learned a long time ago that it’s impossible for me to be all things to all people at all times. If I didn’t set boundaries like I just did, I’d end up feeling very controlled and overwhelmed. And frankly, I don’t ever want to get to that point with my listeners.”

Establishing and maintaining boundaries isn’t easy when hundreds of thousands of people you’ve never met think of you as a close friend. But for that very reason, Schlessinger says, it’s an absolute necessity.

“Because I deal with such personal, intimate issues on the air, a lot of people feel very connected with me,” she explains. “It’s a unique relationship. There’s a degree of intimacy, yet there’s also a veil of anonymity. My listeners know who I am, what makes me laugh and how I think. But I don’t really know who they are unless they call or write or make a point to come up to me to say hello in a store or a restaurant.”

Schlessinger says that while most listeners comprehend the reality that their relationship with her via radio isn’t a friendship, there are those who believe their loyalty to the show entitles them to personal attention.

“There are people who think that because they listen to my show and like me, I somehow belong to them,” Schlessinger says. “I’ve actually received faxes at the station saying ‘I need you to solve this problem right away. Call me tonight with an answer.’ ”

There have also been more than a few times over the years when fans have dropped by the studio or called the station right before or after Schlessinger’s show in hopes of talking with her off the air.

“They usually say they need my help right away,” she says. “Most often, it’s not a crisis as much as it is a ploy to get through to me. My screener gives them referrals to a crisis hot line, which is really where they need to be calling if they need help.”

Doesn’t Schlessinger feel an obligation to be there for her listeners?

“I’m not their therapist,” she points out. “What I do on the air is entertainment. It has many therapeutic moments, but it’s not therapy. My only responsibility to my listeners is to be as professional and competent and entertaining and interesting and informative as possible on the air every weekday between noon and 2. Anything I do beyond that is out of the goodness of my heart.”

And that, Schlessinger says, includes personally answering an average of 250 fan letters a week.

“Most of the letters I get are from people who want me to know how much they enjoy the show. But if someone writes to me for advice, I’ll respond.”

“Just the other day,” she adds, “I got a letter from a woman who said she’d been married for two years. She went on about all the vile, violent, disgusting, hideous, horrible things her husband does to her. Then she asks me whether she should leave him. What can you say? A person who’s stayed with someone like that probably isn’t going to take my advice anyway. But I wrote back and said, ‘My gosh, what I really got from your letter is that you may have made a big mistake two years ago. Warmly, Laura.’ All I can do is give her food for thought. The decision is ultimately hers.”

Fortunately, Schlessinger says, most of her interaction with her fans is generally far more positive and upbeat.

“I get invitations all the time from listeners to weddings and anniversaries and birthdays,” she says. “But in all my years in radio, I’ve never attended one. For me, that’s another boundary that just feels appropriate. I don’t do things that make me uncomfortable, and it would feel awkward and weird to me to attend the party of someone I don’t know. So what I do is send a little gift and card, because I really do appreciate that they thought enough to invite me.”

Some listeners feel so comfortable with Schlessinger that they even invite her into their homes.

“People send sweet letters and say things like ‘If you’re ever in San Diego, call us. We have a lovely guest room and you’re always welcome.’ And they mean it. I think it’s terrific that people feel that friendly toward me, and I always respond with a little note, but I like my privacy too much to ever take them up on their offer.”

As much as she values her privacy when she’s not behind the microphone, Schlessinger often shares details of her own life on the air to help illustrate a point when counseling callers. Even then, she respects certain self-imposed limits.

“I’ll talk about my son, but I’m cautious to never say anything that might embarrass him,” she explains. ‘He thinks it’s really cool that his mom is on the radio, and I want him to continue feeling that way. I also rarely talk about my husband because he prefers it that way. I get letters from people asking whether I’m still married, because I hardly ever mention him.”

But there are times, Schlessinger admits, when she lets her guard down a bit and lets people know what’s happening in her life. When Schlessinger’s Woodland Hills home was severely damaged by fire one weekend in late September, she talked on the air the following Monday about the enormous sense of loss she and her family felt.

“What struck me most was the total loss my son experienced,” she remembers. “He’s only 7, and he lost every possession, every single thing he’d ever owned except for the shirt and shorts he was wearing on his little body as we ran out of the house. That’s what hit me hardest, so that’s what I talked about.”

Within days, dozens of listeners responded with moral support and more.

“I can’t tell you how many people sent little toys and books and goodies and clothes and stuff,” Schlessinger says. “It was really quite amazing and heartwarming. People sent us clothes from their own kids’ closets.”

Schlessinger says listener response to the disaster reinforced her longstanding belief that her relationship with listeners is a relationship of give and take.

“It reminded me that it’s OK for me to be vulnerable, too,” she says.

“Over the years, I’ve come to realize that my listeners don’t need to see me as perfect in order to get something out of my show. All they need to know is that I’m genuine.”