More Pitfalls Than Sugar Plums in Holiday Travel : Grandma’s house may be over the river and through the woods, but Christmas season journeys are fraught with problems.

Diane Holmes won’t ever forget that first holiday trip home to see her parents in Upstate New York, after her first child was born. But it is not the special family time that’s anchored in her memories.

“My husband and I nearly killed each other by the time we got there,” joked Holmes, a Chicago pediatrician. “The baby screamed the entire way. Then we got caught in a snowstorm and had to stop overnight. By the time we got there, we were totally exhausted and in a terrible mood.”

Since then, the couple, who now have three children, have opted to stay home in December. But every January, Holmes said, she hears a litany of complaints from patients who traveled to visit relatives for the holidays. “You’ve just got to remember that it’s not relaxing to stay in someone else’s house with your kids,” she said. “It may be wonderful to visit the relatives but certainly not calm.”

And don’t expect a Norman Rockwell holiday once you arrive. Kids get sick (bring along medicines they frequently need) and crabby--especially when they’re out of their normal routine. Parents get crabby, too. Family squabbles inevitably will erupt.

“You’ve got to have realistic expectations,” urged Paul Rand, executive director of the Chicago-based Capable Kid Counseling Centers. His tip: “Make the kids feel as much at home as possible. And build in some ‘alone time’ for each parent away from the crowd.”

Know that it’s going to be stressful getting there, too, as holiday travelers clog roads and airports. This year, the American Automobile Assn. is forecasting the heaviest holiday travel season in years. During the Thanksgiving weekend, nearly 29 million Americans took to the roads and skies--more than in the last seven holiday seasons--and that trend is expected to continue through New Year’s weekend.

Among AAA’s recommendations for safe and comfortable travel: If you’re driving, take frequent breaks--at least one every two hours--and plan your route in advance. If you’re traveling in cold climates, pack plenty of warm clothes and blankets, in case you get stuck.

And take heart. No matter how long you’re stuck in traffic or how many hours your flight has been delayed or how many times your mother tells you you’re not raising your kids properly, you can still have a great visit. You just need the right attitude. That goes for your hosts, too.

Call and let your hosts know exactly what you need: apple juice, Cheerios, a crib, diapers, peanut butter and jelly. If your 10-year-old lives on pizza or macaroni and cheese, let them know. If the baby will only eat a certain brand of baby food, tell them.

Remind them, in a nice way, that your kids likely won’t sit through a long holiday meal or eat foods covered in elaborate sauces, if that is, indeed, the case.

Suggest a children’s table and some alternative activities while the adults are enjoying their meal. Holiday videos such as “The Snowman” and “Wee Sing The Best Christmas Ever!”--or, for the younger set, “Christmas Eve on Sesame Street” and “Baby Song’s Christmas”--have salvaged many holiday gatherings in our family. (They typically are available for rental at video stores or can be ordered from the “hand-in-hand” catalogue, which also has a selection of audio tapes ideal for long car trips: telephone 800-872-9745.)

And while you can’t expect your hosts to totally child-proof their home, you can request that they put away breakables and keep pills and poisons out of reach, suggested UCLA pediatrics professor Loraine Stern, a spokesman for the American Academy of Pediatrics. “But parents have got to be extra vigilant,” she cautioned.

Stern noted the case of one 2-year-old who ate the pills her aunt had left on a bedside table. The child was fine . . . after a visit to the emergency room.

Just as importantly, “The grandparents need to remember that with the kids around, things won’t be the same as they’re used to,” said Frank Pollare, who often travels from his Pacific Palisades home to his parents’ in Toms River, N.J., for the holidays. His tip: Pack a separate bag with special travel toys and tell the grandparents to have a stash of toys and videos on hand at the other end.

“Just roll with whatever happens,” suggests Pollare, who last year survived family illness, a canceled flight and the shock of arriving home to a flooded house. “Even all that wouldn’t preclude me from doing it again,” he said.

Remember, sometimes the worst travel experiences make for funny memories afterward.