They’re Addicted to Love, and Facing It

Like any junkie, the love addict will do anything for a fix.

Who can forget the crazed glare of Glenn Close as she relentlessly pursued Michael Douglas in the film that made “Fatal Attraction” a household phrase?

Of course, most people don’t kill for love, but many are obsessively hooked on it--unwilling and unable to extricate themselves from destructive relationships.

“I was totally out of control,” says Andrea, a 30-year-old store manager who lives and works in New York and who recently ended a three-year relationship with Mr. Wrong. “My boyfriend was a very selfish man. Everything had to be his way. But I convinced myself it could work. I developed this kind of desperate passion for him. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt as though I couldn’t live without him.”

Psychologists say that compulsive, destructive love can be as addictive and devastating as alcohol and the withdrawal as painful and as physically debilitating. “Love addicts genuinely believe that without the other person they will shrivel up and die,” says Joy Miller, author of “Addictive Relationships: Reclaiming Your Boundaries” (Health Communications; $7.95). “They’re obsessively focused on their partner, to the exclusion of everything else.”

Experts have identified three types of love addicts. The first type is fixated on only one person (such as the fan who hounds David Letterman and has broken into his house). The second type is not involved with anyone but feels life is meaningless and deeply unsatisfying without being in love. The third type is involved with someone who is in some way unavailable (married, dating other people or emotionally closed off).

In typical addictive relationships, addicts exhibit a great need for closeness, while their partners appear to need as much distance as possible. But addicts may actually fear the closeness they say they crave and be using their relationships as escape routes. By focusing so intently on a love object, they can avoid concentrating on other areas of their life, such as work, family and friends.

“People are kidding themselves when they continually make bad choices and tell themselves it’s just bad luck,” says Alvin Cooper, a clinical psychologist and the director of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. “They might seek the mystique and titillation of an illicit affair or have a deep fear of intimacy. But if they weren’t getting something out of it, they wouldn’t be there.”

Love addicts generally have low self-esteem. They are convinced that without a relationship, their lives are worthless. Yet, addictive relationships usually do not last, mainly because the relationship is based on neurotic desires rather than genuine love. “When one person loses a job or has some other type of stress, the relationship is not strong or flexible enough to withstand it,” says Karen Zager, a New York-based psychologist.

No matter how strong the pull, however, experts say there are several things a person can do to break an addiction to another person:

Find a support network. Ending a destructive relationship can be just as tough and just as draining as stopping any other addiction. “I’ve never met an alcoholic who thought it was easy to quit drinking or a food addict who thought their new diet was a breeze,” says Zager. “This is like any other addiction, an ongoing process accompanied by intense feelings of loss.”

Because the process can be so upsetting, it helps to rely on the support of family and friends. Tell people this is an especially tough time for you, that you need to talk about what is happening or just need them to be there for you. It might also be helpful to join a support group.

Another place to find aid is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, a nationwide support group that uses the 12-step system pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous to fight addiction. (For the chapter nearest you, call (617) 332-1845.)

Change your behavior gradually. If it’s too hard to go cold turkey, make small changes instead. If, for instance, you feel the need to phone your partner seven times a day, see if you can cut the calls down to three. If you never assert yourself--because you’re afraid of wrecking the relationship--try voicing your opinion on small matters, such as which movie to see or which restaurant to eat in.

Examine your beliefs. Many psychologists say that the fear of being alone is often worse than the actual breakup. People in addictive relationships tend to fill their heads with irrational or exaggerated thoughts, says Barry Lubetkin, a psychologist and the co-author of “Bailing Out: The Healthy Way to Get Out of a Bad Relationship and Survive.” (Prentice Hall Press; $18.95). They tell themselves: “I’ll never have another boyfriend. No one will ever love me again.” To counter these dire pronouncements, Lubetkin recommends creating a “fear-buster chart.” First, he says, review all the evidence: Prior to this relationship, did you have dates? Were you ever attracted to anyone else? In love? If so, why can’t it happen again when you meet someone new? Why are you alone doomed to lead a life of loneliness and quiet desperation? “The answer is you’re not,” Lubetkin says. “But you need to convince yourself of that by examining the facts.”

Give the negative equal time. At the end of a relationship, people tend to accentuate the positive--the things they’ll miss, the places they went, the good times. Don’t let your memory become so selective. Write down every rotten thing your ex did and said. Make a list of each time he or she disappointed you or caused you anguish. Describe the fights you had, the angry words, the reasons you broke up in the first place. Then read this over each time you get the urge to call or try again.

Force yourself to keep busy and active. If you’re a relationship addict, chances are you put your life on hold while immersing yourself in a relationship. When you’re no longer in it, life seems empty and pointless. This is the very time to make a conscious effort to distract yourself. Throw yourself into your work. Or get a change of scene by taking a vacation. Go to the movies. Take an exercise class. Do anything you can to avoid constantly thinking about the relationship. “When you obsess,” says Zager, “it’s one more way to hold onto the relationship, to avoid getting on with the rest of your life.” Begin slowly. Maybe at first you can only stop thinking about your ex for five minutes each day, or one hour per week. But it’s a start. “If you can end an addictive relationship once, you can do it again,” Zager says. “I have clients tell me they can’t live without their (partners). And I have to remind them that it’s been a day or a week or a month. And they’re still alive and breathing. They’re still surviving.”