A Different Spin on the World Around Us : Foolproof Forecast?
Our resident psychic, who only yesterday boldly predicted that “sometime next month, Bill Clinton will be inaugurated President,” now offers other forecasts for 1993:
Jan. 11: On the heels of devastating losses, IBM quits the computer business and introduces “New Disposables, the product that’s so convenient you don’t even have to use it. You just buy it, then throw it away.”
Feb. 7: President Clinton tries to trim the national debt by mailing a “Deficit Reduction Chain Letter” to 20 countries, asking each to send $500 billion. The letter notes that bad luck has befallen nations that broke past chains, including Iraq, Grenada and Atlantis.
March 1: NBC trades David Letterman to CBS for Dan Rather, two Designing Women and a sitcom to be named later.
May 7: Declaring that “the only way to straighten out the Royal Family is to bring in a no-nonsense outsider,” Queen Elizabeth disinherits Prince Charles and adopts Texas billionaire Ross Perot. “He even has Charles’ ears,” the Queen says.
June 10: The Coast Guard seizes the island of Cuba for violating the 200-mile fishing limit off the coast of Florida. The action is taken after Cuba ignores several warnings and remains 150 miles from the United States. Coast Guard cutters tow the island back to port in Miami.
July 4: President Clinton, still trying to prove he’s an “average American,” conducts his first fireside chat from a beat-up Barcalounger, wearing nothing but skivvies, a T-shirt and fuzzy slippers. Viewers are initially skeptical, but he wins them over with his knowledge of foreign policy and his ability to burp the entire alphabet.
Aug. 29: A test run of the world’s first nuclear-powered automobile ends in disaster when the car rear-ends a Ford Pinto and vaporizes half the San Fernando Valley. The driver of the atomic car walks away with only minor cuts and bruises.
Oct. 14: Dan Quayle, eager to demonstrate his grasp of complex issues in preparation for a 1996 presidential run, offers this financial tip for struggling families: “Take your money out of stocks and municipal bonds and invest in CDs. I hear a couple of good ones are ‘Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’ and ‘Born to Run.’ ”
Nov. 30: Madonna runs out of ways to expose herself and publishes a book with close-up photos of her internal organs.
Dec. 20: Just in time for the holidays, Mattel introduces a Bill Clinton doll. Pull the string and it says whatever it thinks you want to hear. Accessories include the Billy Boy Blow Dryer, Politically Correct Litmus Test Kit and Vat-O-Congress (Slime in the shape of senators and representatives).
