10 Politically Incorrect Views of a Usually Correct Guy

By philosophy, I’m in what’s come to be known as the “politically correct” camp. When it comes to a minority group’s rights being trampled or tailored to suit The Man, put me on the side of the oppressed every time.

So why am I constantly fighting a compulsion to irritate the PC crowd? Could it be that their dogmatism too often stunts debate? Or is it just that they’re annoying as hell? Whenever I hear a full-bore PCer righteously railing, I understand Woody Allen’s lament in “Annie Hall” of, “What I wouldn’t give right now for a sock full of manure.”

So, let’s get the new year off to a dangerous start by going boldly where no PC Man has ever gone before.

Submitted for your approval (or not), Ten Politically Incorrect Positions a Politically Correct Guy Like Me Can Live With:

1. I like Howard Stern. He’s crass, crude and he bashes women, gays, blacks and every other immigrant group in the country. And yes, he says things you don’t want to hear at 8 in the morning. So when he gets to be too much, switch over to music for three minutes, then switch back and enjoy Stern’s genius for talk radio. Suggestion: Look up the word “shtick” in the dictionary.

2. Don’t abolish the Tomahawk Chop or team nicknames with Native American references. Does anyone really believe non-”Indians” who say they’re upset by this? I don’t. Some Native Americans are no doubt genuinely offended, but many others aren’t because they take the issue for what it says about Indians--nothing. Suggestion: Does any thinking person really believe we ascribe specific characteristics to a team based on its nickname?

3. Don’t boycott Colorado over its November vote that wiped out anti-discrimination protection for gays. This is a dicey one, because I heartily disagree with the Colorado vote. Gays warrant anti-discrimination protection for an obvious reason: they’re discriminated against. However, the government of Colorado didn’t take the action; voters did. People surely have the right to boycott, but I don’t buy the logic of hurting an entire state because 54% of its voters took a position. Suggestion: Test the logic by asking what would happen if all 50 states passed a similar ordinance. Would no conventioneers or tourists ever leave their hometown?

4. I refuse to call someone a chairperson. That sounds like a title for a comic-horror flick in which the villain is made of flesh and wicker. Suggestion: What’s wrong with “chairman” and “chairwoman”?

5. Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott shouldn’t be kicked out of baseball. Don’t get me wrong--I wish she weren’t in baseball, given her anti-Semitic and racist remarks, but harboring such thoughts doesn’t disqualify her from private ownership of a team. The case for her ouster would be much stronger if she held a public trust. Suggestion: If racist thoughts are grounds for dismissal, who’s next--the players?

6. I don’t care if federal funds are withheld from certain far-out performance artists. If the government doesn’t want to subsidize someone who spreads chocolate sauce over themselves and calls it art, I’m sorry, but that doesn’t convince me that the Nazis are coming.

7. Ix-nay on women in combat. This is not to say they’re incapable of skillful, deadly warfare--have you ever seen them in divorce court?--but if the worst part about being wrong about this issue is that women don’t have to fight on the battlefield, then how wrong can it be?

8. Warning labels on records with offensive lyrics don’t bother me. Tipper Gore got a bum rap for advocating labels for the more profane or lewd records. One mistake the PC crowd makes is projecting future worst-case scenarios onto a person’s actions. Tipper wasn’t talking about censorship, but her critics took that tack, thereby neatly avoiding the specific issue.

9. Don’t outlaw Nativity scenes on public property. I understand the separation-of-church-and-state argument, but this is one issue that always struck me as a lot more theory than threat because I don’t think the public interprets creche scenes as state-endorsement of religion. People like the scenes because they’re comforting and aesthetically pleasing, especially to their kids.

10. Movie maker and Hollywood darling Oliver Stone is no cultural hero. I admit that I loved “JFK,” but I’ve had a change of heart since watching the Lincoln documentary recently on television. History should be treated reverentially, especially in such matters as presidential lives and assassinations. The Warren Commission may have been a snow job, but Stone’s scenario doesn’t have any more credibility. As a result, Stone treats history as disdainfully and cynically as those he criticized.

There, I’ve done it. Don’t ever call me a PC lackey again, although as I reread the list it sounds like the Bob Dornan Manifesto.

That gives me an idea: Wouldn’t you love to see a list of 10 Politically Correct Positions That Bob Dornan Could Live With?