The Only Law of Science That Counts

The thing that I find fascinating about science is The Law of Bad Looks, which states, simply, that on those days you look especially lousy, with bad hair, gross clothes and blemished skin, you will most certainly run into everyone you have ever known in your entire life.

Conversely, a related axiom proven hundreds of years ago, and an equally fascinating scientific phenomenon, maintains that on those days you look fantastic--when you’re wearing a new outfit, or just returned from Hawaii--there is absolutely no chance anyone who matters will see you.

So while it may be interesting to know that light travels at about 186,000 miles per second, and that electrons are negatively charged particles that form a part of all atoms, and even that bears hibernate in the winter, I ask you, what practical application does any of this data have?

The Law of Bad Looks does what science is supposed to do: explain our universe.

It also explains why I encounter all my ex-boyfriends when I look like pig slop.

The Law also worked on chance meetings with the boys on the football team many years ago when I was in high school.

I had been shopping in a local mall, went to the ladies’ room, then checked my watch and realized it was much later than I thought. I rushed out of the ladies’ room and ran a distance through the mall when it dawned on me.

People were staring. Was it because I was young and pretty? Because they liked my outfit?

Then I saw a bunch of guys who played on my school’s football team. They all turned and stared at me. They whispered among themselves. They smiled. Hmmm, maybe it was because I was pretty.

Or, excuse me very much, maybe it was because I had a train of toilet paper, approximately 4 feet long, attached to the top of my jeans, billowing like a white two-ply tail.

Let’s recap: I was in public with a toilet paper tail flapping behind me. People have gone into therapy for a lot less. Not only did it take me a long time to go back to that mall, but it took me along time before I stopped periodically screaming, “My life is ruined! I’m finished!” So I turned to my studies. I turned to science.

I learned that the speed of sound travels through 32-degree air, at sea level, at about 1,088 feet per second, and that the nuclear bomb is based on the principles of nuclear fission, the splitting of the nuclei of atoms into two fragments of approximately equal mass, accompanied by conversion of part of that mass into energy. My mom worried about me. She wanted me to get out more. She bought me new clothes, pretty shoes and had my hair cut.

But, we all know that under those scientific conditions, I saw no one, least of all anyone on the football team.

The Law of Bad Looks was on my mind last week, when I ran into an old boyfriend. You know that when you see those old flames, you want to look good, even if you’re happily married.

You want to look fantastic, in fact, let them eat their hearts out.

After Old Flame and I said hello, I headed straight for my car and the rear-view mirror and, naturally, discovered a hunk of spinach about the size of Boston caught between my two front teeth. I looked like a pirate.

So, while it is interesting to note that radioactive dating determines the age of an object based on the known rates of decay of radioactive isotopes, this is not nearly as useful as knowing that if you happen to see someone you know, especially someone you want to impress, you’re better off ducking around the corner. It’s science.