Peace and Love . . . in L.A.?

I was talking to the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi the other day about stress in Los Angeles. Really. I can feel the mantra of your skepticism humming at me across our synaptic connections, but it’s true. No, he didn’t come to me in a dream. He came to me on the telephone.

The reason for our conversation was an ad his organization placed in The Times which promises to eliminate crime in L.A. County for only $165 million a year for five years.

This would finance 9,000 “coherence creating experts” who would seek deeper levels of consciousness through transcendental meditation and radiate peace and goodwill in our many areas of calamity. Just like Christmas.

The experts, according to the ad, “have been trained to create a powerful influence of harmony, balance and positivity in the atmosphere, and thereby neutralize criminal tendencies.”

In other words, this thug is about to put a hole in a liquor store owner he has just robbed when suddenly, due to a coherence expert radiating positivity, he lowers his gun and says, “What am I doing? I’m sorry, man, here’s your money and liquor back. I love you, can we hug?”

Unfortunately, this has given the liquor store owner time to reach under the counter for his little equalizer, and just as the thug is approaching for a hug of positivity . . . blam!

The liquor store owner looks down at the fallen thug and mutters, “Pervert.”

*

You remember the Maharishi. He founded Transcendental Meditation (“TM” to the in crowd) in the 1960s and became, as his people will eagerly inform you, guru to such luminaries as the Beatles. That may not mean a lot to you now, but it impressed the hell out of us in 1963. But then, so did psychedelic tattoos and flowered tiaras.

Anyhow, he’d been out of the news until appearance of the ad that promised peace in the city through heavenly pure consciousness. I was stirred not so much by the prospect of a crime-free environment as I was by the chutzpah of a guy asking for $165 million in advance every year for five years.

Jesus only asked for a few loaves of bread and some fish, but then I guess he wasn’t up against Uzis and AK-47s.

I reached the Maharishi at his headquarters in the Netherlands. He was a monk in India prior to his development of TM and sounds somewhat like a Rich Little impersonation.

“You must not think we are making money,” the Maharishi said in a tonal quality that managed to be simultaneously reedy and lyrical. “The money paid by the city will go back to hotels and restaurants, except for the airline fares.”

All of the experts will be flown to L.A. It takes 1,000 of them per million population to create the necessary vibrations to conquer crime. The mind goes deep into itself, quieting to a silent state through the mental repetition of a word or phrase. The phrase is in Sanskrit, so don’t ask. I don’t even speak Mexican and I am one.

Suffice to say, minds free of stress create a chain reaction of peace in society and it’s so long drive-bys, hello love.

*

“It’s simple,” the Maharishi said.

“If it’s so simple,” I said, “why can’t we do it and save $165 million a year?”

“It takes training,” he added quickly. “But I personally guarantee it will work.”

I assume, however, that since the cash in advance will already be spent, it isn’t a money-back guarantee. You can’t give back whiskey you’ve already drunk, as my stepdaddy used to say, although in a more primitive form.

The Maharishi pointed out that the technique had been tried successfully elsewhere. Washington, D.C., for example, experienced a drop in its crime rate after coherence experts mantraed their way into the hearts of the most hardened felons, excluding, of course, those who run the government.

“Would it be correct to say it’s a matter of thinking good thoughts?” I asked the Maharishi.

“No,” he said, somewhat testily.

I could hear voices in the background, as though he were being advised to lighten up. “It creates a positive influence that spreads,” he finally said. “It worked in Iowa too.” That’s good enough for me.

The Maharishi sent a letter to Mayor Tom Bradley suggesting he adopt the program. I asked for comment from City Hall. The mayor said, “If I could find $100 million a year, I’d use it to put more cops on the street.” That doesn’t sound to me like he’s into transcendental meditation.

I think the Maharishi needs to tailor a program specifically for L.A. Sitting quietly around seeking a deeper consciousness won’t do it. We need a mantra that Madonna can grab her crotch to and Ice-T can popularize. Something they can hum in the ghettos.

Call us when you’re ready, Maharishi. And, hey, meanwhile . . . do have a nice nirvana.