Keeping Cool When the Baby Won’t Stop Crying : Behavior: Parents are getting help coping with the anger and frustration an infant’s wailing can provoke. The goal is to prevent child abuse.

A baby’s cry is such a common thing, often used as a mildly discordant note in movies and television. But listen to a high-pitched wail nonstop for an hour or so at close range and find out just how steely your nerves really are.

New parents, even when primed for sleepless nights and round-the-clock diapering, often are amazed at this phenomenon: As much as they love this small bundle of life, to their horror they may find themselves so frustrated and angry with a crying infant they may have an impulse to lash out.

And sometimes, of course, they do.

“There is a very fine line between hurting a child and holding back,” says Susan Kirkley, executive director of SCAN (Stop Child Abuse Now) of Northern Virginia. “All of us are at risk for being that frustrated.”

Sheri, a 37-year-old Fairfax, Va., mother of an infant and a toddler, says she realized when her 2 1/2-year-old daughter was born that she would need all the help she could get to keep from hitting her.

“I know that it’s in me, and it scares me,” says Sheri, who asked to be identified only by her first name. “The reason I would want to was because all my life I was spanked with a belt . . . or a paddle.”

In recent months, the public has learned of several tragic incidents of infants being severely harmed, some by baby-sitters, some by parents. Infants in fact are at higher risk of being abused than any other age group, experts say, in part because they are more fragile but also because parents and other caregivers may not be emotionally equipped to handle the uniquely piercing screams of an unhappy baby.

More than half of 1,383 children killed by abuse last year were under 1, according to the National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse (NCPCA). And national and local statistics show that typically about a fifth of all abuse victims are 2 and under.

“Infants are at much greater risk of abuse than older children,” says Anne Cohn Donnelly, NCPCA executive director. “The constant crying is very often a part of it. It often is the trigger.”

Crying is so hard for parents to take, both because of the noise as well as the frustration, rage and feelings of inadequacy that go with not being able to stop it, Donnelly says.

Parents need to know that sometimes a baby simply has to be allowed to cry and that the parents need to take breaks and get enough rest, she adds.

Infants up to about 2 are particularly vulnerable to something called “shaken baby syndrome,” brain injuries caused when a baby is shaken in anger--or even when tossed in the air in play. The damage can cause mental retardation, blindness and death, something that even the most educated parents may not realize.

Shaking is an all-too-common response, child advocates say, especially when the parent or caregiver is under other stress, may have had little sleep and then confronts an inconsolable infant.

“It really is a response parents have, shaking them, like, ‘What more can I do for you,’ ” says Kirkley. “Nine out of 10 parents do not deliberately hurt their kids. They lose control, and they don’t have better ways of coping.

“No one ever said to me, “Don’t shake that baby,’ ” recalls Kirkley, mother of two teen-agers. “Nobody ever said if you get that frustrated, these are places you can call.”

Social service agencies are trying to get the word out that there are, in fact, places where overwhelmed parents and others can go to learn coping skills.

One group called Parents Anonymous provides support and education for parents who have abused their children or who fear they might. To find local chapters, call (800) 421-0353.

Most local agencies have parenting and anger-management classes. People typically sign up for these after they abuse or neglect a child and are sent there by a court or social service agency.

Sheri, the mother of two, sought help from Fairfax County’s Nurturing Program, which taught her alternatives to hitting, such as timeouts for children 1 and older. She says she’s only slipped up once, hitting the child’s hand when she was playing with a space heater.

But Sheri also knows she needs to be vigilant as the child gets older and asserts her independence by trying to order her mother around.

Till the Crying Stops . . .

Experts advise that a parent tempted to shake an infant should instead:

* Call a friend.

* Take 10 deep breaths and then 10 more.

* Play some music.

* Exercise.

* Put the child in a safe place and leave the room for a few minutes.

* Take a shower.

* Sit down, close eyes and think of a pleasant place.

If you are in need of serious help, call a professional therapist, local social services or mental health agency, or the National Child Abuse Hot Line, (800) 422-4453.