You Plea All You Want, but I Call ‘Em as I See ‘Em

We’ve had the Olympics here twice, the Super Bowl seven times, the World Series nine, two heavyweight title fights, the Final Four a couple of times and a U.S. Open and a PGA. Everything but the Iditarod.

But a reader, Henry S. Waters, doesn’t think we’re ready for the World Cup. Or, rather, he thinks I’m not ready for it. He thinks I’m bound to misunderstand.

I don’t know where he gets that idea. I’m in favor of any sport that lets you hit the ball with your head. Don Drysdale used to think baseball should afford him the same courtesy, if you’ll remember. But, Waters is apprehensive. I guess he thinks I might start World War III. He’s fearful that . . . but, wait, I’ll let him tell you about it:

“Dear Mr. Murray,

“I am writing you today as a private citizen, without affiliation or ulterior motive, to enlist your help for--of all things--the 1994 soccer World Cup to be held in our country.

“I know quite well you are not interested in the sport. I have read a number of your columns in which you compared a 1-0 game to watching someone run the mile in 15 minutes--and I do not even blame you for your opinion. For reasons--financial and otherwise--this is not the time to go into it, soccer is a “stepchild” in our country and will remain one.

“But, we have been given authorization to stage the Cup and must do a fine job in the face of worldwide sarcasm or even ridicule.

“I am maintaining a copious correspondence with people in many nations who are actively involved in the sport, and you can hardly imagine the ironic and facetious comments I have received.

“They compare our staging of the Cup to having a conference on atomic research in Somalia--except that Somalia can offer a better guarantee of safety to its visitors.

“It has been suggested to me that a representative of the American Soccer Federation will march out on the field before the beginning of a game and ceremoniously deposit a football in the appropriate place for a ‘kickoff’--an oval ball, of course.

“I have been asked, ‘Will your announcers call a shot that sails over the goal by 10 yards a field goal?’ And, since the Italians presented that wonderful, if corny, Domingo-Carreras, Pavarotti concert in Rome, ‘What are you guys presenting? Roseanne Barr and three rappers?”

“Mr. Murray, you know as well as I do that our national prestige has suffered. We are no longer considered to be a first-class nation that made the best mousetraps in the world. Nowadays, better mousetraps are being made in Madagascar. Taiwan. We are no longer the rich and powerful uncle but one who cannot even put his own house in order, control drugs, crime or help its own homeless.

“We must do a dignified, efficient and safe job with this Cup. It is ‘only’ a sports event but more important in its scope and universal appeal than the Olympic Games. When you consider that every nation in the world participated in the eliminations for the Cup--except for Yugoslavia, for obvious reasons--you will realize the eyes of the world are upon us.

“Just think that the Faroe Islands (ever heard of them?), Malta, San Marino and Burundi are sill fighting it out for a place among the 24 teams to visit us in 1994. The Caribbean island of St. Vincent received its opponents in games that looked more like a home to a colony of ground squirrels than a soccer pitch--but they fought gamely, only to lose a rematch, 11-0, in Mexico at the Estadia Azteca, which holds more people than the entire island’s population.

“Such an event needs your help and needs to be treated with respect. I seem to recall that, during the 5,000-meter run at the ’32 Olympics, the Finnish winner cut in front of the American and I believe it was the announcer, Bill Henry, who admonished the audience, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, please do not forget these people are our guests.’ I hope that this will be the attitude of you and your colleagues.

“Under the enthusiastic and (hopeful) efficient guidance of Mr. Alan Rothenberg and staff, I hope the Cup will be in good hands. I have no worries about its financial success since the results of worldwide television will guarantee huge amounts of money to FIFA, the governing body of world soccer. The USA will easily produce a profit from ticket sales and other (marketing) resources. After all, the logistics of bringing 24 teams are not as mind-boggling as the Olympics.

“But I am very much worried about the intellectual, cultural, and, above all, journalistic approach to the event, and that is why I am sending you this letter.

“We can expect a large number of spectators from abroad--not as many as other World Cups since we are further away and soccer fans are not noted for their wealth. Furthermore, the eliminations might prevent us from having the Dutch and English ‘hooligans’ who might present problems to our rather shaky and unprepared police force.

“I have no intention to ask you to sacrifice your journalistic integrity, but it would be helpful if a man of your prestige and sports knowledge would lend some moral support to the efforts of our organizing committee.

“You are a writer of great influence and capable of interesting and lively commentaries--so, no ridicule, please!

“For the first time in history, our country not only has an opportunity to stage this event but to field a team that has a possibility to acquit itself with dignity and skill. Under the guidance of the first top-rate professional coach in our history, we have made great strides and nobody calls our 11 “the shotputters’ anymore--a bunch of muscle-bound hunks technically inferior to the rest of the world (although you might recall the ‘shotputters’ stunned the soccer world by defeating the mighty British in 1950 by 1-0--I know, I know, you don’t like the score!

“Please, Mr. Murray get involved in a positive way by using the power and ability of your prose to lend support to a great international cause. Who knows? You might even get to like the game!”

OK, Henry. But you know how I get. Maybe you should take up a collection to get me out of the country. The south of France should be far enough. Did those guys really call our soccer players “the shotputters”? Now, that’s pretty funny!