A Quiz for Queens-in-Training (You Know Who You Are)

Today is Mother’s Day, an American holiday that, believe it or not, was not started by someone in the greeting card business.

Today we are to honor our mothers, and/or allow ourselves to be honored for being so wonderfully supportive, loving, wise, generous and an absolute miracle worker with a scrub brush and a can of Comet.

(Never mind. I advise you to take the free brunch anyway.)

Yet amazingly enough, some mothers are uncomfortable with all the fuss that will doubtless be made over them today.

(Or if not quite the whole day, then a good chunk of it, if there are no playoff games on TV. Or heck--who’s really counting here?--during those few precious moments when your kid calls on the phone: “Hey, Mom. You get my card? No? Well. . .uh. Keep an eye out for it in the mail.”)

No matter, Mothers. My point here on this, our one and only day in the sun--even though the laborers, and the soldiers, and a couple of presidents and even a turkey , merit a paid holiday, but, noooo, not us--is to enjoy it.

And as I said, some of us may need help. So think of this little quiz as a first step toward learning how to enjoy being queen for a day, with the proviso, of course, they you don’t have to wear one of those ridiculous hats.

Have your child bring you a cup of decaf espresso, with a twist, then sit back, relax and answer honestly.

And, remember, there is only one right answer.

1. Your children are too young to be gainfully employed, but God bless them, they insist on getting you a Mother’s Day present. You overhear them talking to their father about just what they should all pitch in to get you. Although you love surprises, you feel compelled to drop hints to the kids as to what you might want. This, of course, is because you have always been prudent and hate expensive mistakes. You hint that what you’d really like is:

a) a Thighmaster

b) a promise that they’ll clean up their rooms

c) a trip to Paris, with a companion of your choice

2. Your daughter calls to wish you a happy Mother’s Day. You are immediately touched because the operator uses your daughter’s childhood nickname when she asks if you will accept the charges. You tend to get all choked up on Mother’s Day anyway, but this time when your daughter tells you that she is in therapy, you truly understand that she is no longer a little girl. Then she says that her therapist blames you for everything that is wrong with her life. You are momentarily at a loss for words, but then you tell her:

a) Cellulite runs in her father’s side of the family.

b) She was adopted.

c) To sue you.

3. You are in your ninth month of pregnancy, waiting with bated breath (and stretch marks) for the birth of your first child. Your husband, also new to fatherhood, casually asks if you have “taken care of” the Mother’s Day present he bought for his mom as he simultaneously reaches for a bag of chips and the remote control. You try a demure smile, as befitting a woman who can hardly move, but then you see that your husband is staring at the TV. So you:

a) Tell him the baby’s real father is picking you up in 10 minutes for dinner.

b) Tell him you thought those pearls were for you and you just love them!

c) Roll over on him.

4. You are a member of what they call the “sandwich generation,” and lately you’ve been feeling kind of stale. Oh, you love your family all right. It’s just that sometimes you feel that your innards are being pulled this way and that, like so much chipped beef. You’re exhausted. So when your mother, and your mother-in-law, and your husband, and your kids, all start asking you what’s the plan for Mother’s Day, you:

a) Say a ham and cheese will be fine, thank you.

b) Ignore them, knowing that without you there will be no plan.

c) Wonder if this is why all those seemingly normal families end up being featured on “Hard Copy.”

5. You are feeling a little wild, carefree, footloose even, which is unusual for you, because you are a mother of young children. You yearn to do something that people will talk about, like your hairdresser is always doing. Then you realize that today is Mother’s Day. So you feel guilty too. But it seems you’re always feeling guilty about something, and you can’t remember the last time you felt wild. So you resolve your dilemma by:

a) Trading in the minivan for a Ford Festiva.

b) Taking care of the snack for your daughter’s preschool class, but switching to Twinkies.

c) Taking a few Valium and drifting off to sleep next to a lava lamp.