Taking Phone Manners off Hold
T oo bad Alexander Graham Bell didn’t dream up a book on telephone etiquette when he dreamed up the communication tool that changed the course of modern life. It would be a classic by now. Required reading .
Oh, we know. Books on modern manners are crammed with do’s and don’ts about the use of telephones and those pesky (but so necessary) answering machines. But has anybody read them? We don’t think so. Just the other day, in fact . . .
SHE: I called a company, asked if a certain executive was in, and got: “Who is this?” I gave my name. “What company?” I gave the company’s name. “What is this regarding?”
I said: “Please, may I just speak with Mr. Paranoid?” Whatever happened to: “Yes, of course, I’ll put you through”?
I mean, if Mr. Paranoid was busy, tell me , already. I will call later. But don’t grill me like a T-bone steak.
HE: Secretaries are either saints or killers. If the boss gives them carte blanche in guarding his personal ramparts, they’ll turn into pit bulls. It’s as if they have the boss’ blessing to be demanding, short and rude. On the other hand, you can always spot a real pro: pleasant voice, courteous manner, sounds like it’s a real pleasure to talk to you. A “please” and “thank you.” You get the idea that these people actually want to help you.
Unfortunately, they’re nearly extinct. Most of the time, you get a voice on the other end that implies that the person it belongs to would kill to get rid of you in a hurry. By way of greeting, the company name is spit out as if it were a mush-mouthed curse, and it’s all downhill from there.
SHE: Corporations must know that it’s what’s up front that counts. A receptionist who interrogates like a trial lawyer is a turnoff.
In her book “The New Manners for the ‘90s,” Letitia Baldrige says a phone voice should be “warm, cheerful, upbeat, happy.” I know that’s tough when a phone is ringing off the hook. But we all should remember there’s a human being on the line. (And yes, even those telephone solicitors deserve a pleasant sounding “No thank you.”
HE: The worst attitude anybody--and that’s anybody-- can project on the phone is that they’re ridiculously busy, in an ugly mood, and that your very presence on the line is highly irritating to them. This sounds awful, but it’s rampant. You hear it all the time: the angry--and unintelligible--announcement of the company’s name followed by a weary “Hold.” And then your call disappears into telephone limbo until the voice comes back and impatiently demands to know who you want and then brusquely tells you why you can’t talk to that person.
If, by that time, you’ve decided to dedicate the rest of your life to making the receptionist’s job a living hell, you can start by asking to leave a message.
SHE: Some more Baldrige telephone etiquette tips:
* “Your home telephone should be answered within four rings . . . if the caller has to wait for 10 rings, for example, he or she may think you are loath to answer the call.”
* “Always return your calls--within the same day, preferably . . . if not, certainly within 24 hours.”
* “Watch the background noises when you are on the telephone.” (In other words,muffle the macaw.)
HE: And muffle yourself while you’re at it. One of my big gripes has to do with the person on the other end who just can’t seem to grasp the fact that he’s having a conversation with you and not the person in the room with him. This clod tries to carry on two conversations at once, not bothering to take his mouth away from the receiver so you, on the other end of the line, are without clue or context.
This offender has a first cousin: the person who has a call holding feature on his phone and is determined to use it. You hear that little click on the line and zip! You’re gone. Possibly permanently. Whoever invented this feature for home phones is dead now, right? Right?
SHE: Hey, we’ve forgotten the most important calls of all--the ones between boyfriend and girlfriend.
Most frequent complaints from women on this topic:
* A guy uses the phone as a cheap date. “I’ll give her a buzz. That will keep her happy for a couple of weeks.”
* He calls and leaves a message on her recording device when he knows she won’t be home. Literally gets him off the hook.
Calls women love:
* A call for a date that is direct and followed by friendly conversation. Women dislike two-minute get-it-over-with conversations.
* Thoughtful messages on the answering machine. Hot: “Hi, hon. Hope you’re having a good day.” Not: “You out spending money again?”
HE: Heck, I know women who are happy with any kind of conversation as long as it doesn’t contain the word Squidgy.
