Divorced Parents Can Add to Stress of Getting Married : Weddings: Creativity, compromise and lots of planning are the key to a successful ceremony, counselors say.

So your parents are divorced, but you’re getting married.

You have the ring. You found the dress. You booked the hall. Congratulations, your problems have just begun.

Under the best circumstances, weddings are stressful. But when your parents are estranged and their divorce has been hostile, the whole process can become complicated, even torturous. How do you word the wedding invitations? Who pays which expenses? What do you do if your mother refuses to be in the same room with your stepmother?

For many divorced parents, planning a child’s wedding is equally upsetting.

“If you haven’t resolved the original hurt and anger in your divorce--and most people haven’t--the wedding will put you in the awkward position of having to face off again around parental issues,” says Michael Zentman, a psychologist based in Centerport, N.Y.

Although fireworks can erupt at other family gatherings--graduations, communions, bar mitzvahs, anniversaries--weddings seem to be especially volatile.

Even when the divorce has been amicable, difficulties may occur. A bride may be divided in her family loyalties, uncertain whether it will be her father or stepfather who accompanies her down the aisle or dances the first dance. There may not be room in the bridal party for real siblings and step-siblings. And the guest list may get unwieldy, with four sets of parents inviting friends and relatives.

In the best-case scenario, parents put aside their differences for the sake of their children’s happiness. According to family counselors, a successful blended wedding requires creativity, ingenuity and lots of advance planning. Otherwise, there may be tears, bruised egos and plenty of hurt feelings before the first “I do” has been uttered.

According to Modern Bride magazine, the average cost of a formal wedding is $16,698, the bulk of which is traditionally paid by the bride’s parents, although it has become much more acceptable for the groom’s family to chip in. In a blended family, however, where the bride’s mother and father may barely be speaking to one another, sorting out the financial obligations is more difficult. “Money problems often play a role in divorce,” says Zentman. “And now, the divorced couple is having to struggle with money issues again. It stirs up a lot of old feelings.”

In some cases, one parent simply refuses to pay. “My dad said he was sorry, but he couldn’t contribute financially to my wedding,” says Andrea, a 28-year-old word processor from New York City. “I told him I understood and that I wanted him to be there anyway, although I was hurt. My mother, of course, said it was typical.”

Experts say where finances are concerned, the best suggestion is for the bride and groom to approach her mother and father separately. “Try to avoid a triangle situation, where the parents deal directly with each other, and the kids are caught in the middle,” says Zentman. “It’s better if the daughter goes to the father and says: ‘Do you want to chip in for my wedding? I’d really appreciate it.’ That way he doesn’t feel like he’s throwing a big party for his ex-wife, who he can’t stand.”

But, experts caution to assume nothing. All of the expenses need to be discussed in advance. “I was involved in one wedding,” says Tricia Windom, a wedding consultant, “where the father was sent the bill for the rehearsal dinner and he absolutely refused to pay. He said: “My name wasn’t on the wedding invitation. Nobody consulted me. I’m not writing the check.’ ”

In some instances, the bridal couple may try to wrest control away from warring parents, thereby avoiding major conflicts. “I know of one young woman who scaled her wedding down in size, just so she and her fiance could afford to pay for it and not have to deal with their parents and stepparents,” says Janet Weisberg, a New York City psychologist.

When parents are feuding, some experts say, it helps to have a neutral party who can step in and act as peace maker.

The mediator can be a professional bridal consultant, hired to help plan the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony. Some consultants charge a flat fee, ranging from $250 to $10,000, depending on the amount of work involved and the size of the wedding. Other consultants charge between 10% and 15% of the entire cost of the wedding.

The mediator could also be a family member or a close family friend. “Choose the sanest person you know--the one with the most patience and perseverance,” says Bernard Katz, a psychologist based in Plainview, N.Y. “That person will be the buffer--the intermediary between the divorced husband and wife, between the parents and the stepparents, or between the bridal couple and each set of parents.”

“At one wedding, I was hired to keep the mother and stepmother apart, in order to prevent physical violence,” says Windom, who is also the author of “Planning a Wedding with Divorced Parents.”

When her mother refused to attend her wedding, Andrea was stunned. She tried crying, arguing and threatening. But the woman was adamant, insisting she would not be in the same room with her former husband and his new wife. “At first, I just couldn’t believe it. She helped me plan the wedding. She paid for most of the wedding, and then she refused to be part of it. I was devastated,” says Andrea.

Experts suggest compromise--seating warring ex-spouses at opposite ends of the room, for instance, or eliminating the dais. In Andrea’s case, the imperfect compromise was that her mother attended the church ceremony and her father came to the reception.

Experts say if a relative is intractable, it’s best to accept his or her feelings. “On the surface, not attending looks like a selfish act,” says Katz. “But in reality, that parent has not gotten over the hurt and pain caused by the divorce. They may feel if they do attend the wedding, it will be too emotionally disruptive for them and they will not be able to get through it without making a scene or suffering greatly.”

Never disinvite one parent, even if the other one threatens to boycott the wedding. “Tell your parent or your relative you’re sorry they feel they can’t attend,” says Katz. “But also tell them you’ll be sending them an invitation anyway, in case they change their mind.”

Experts say blended families may need to do away with traditional etiquette and adapt the rules to their own situation. According to Elizabeth L. Post, author of “Emily Post on Weddings,” it is not inappropriate to have four sets of parents’ names on the invitation, if that is what the bride and groom wish.

The traditional walk down the aisle and other rituals are also subject to change. “I’ve been to weddings where the bride walks down the aisle with her mother and father--and then the father runs back up the aisle and walks down again with his current wife,” says Katz.

Liz Green’s stepson, Michael, danced half of the first dance at his wedding with his mother. Then his older brother took his mother’s arm and Michael led Green out to the dance floor. “I was so touched by that gesture,” says Green, who lives in Babylon, N.Y.

Stepbrothers or stepsisters who have grown up with the bride or groom should be included in the bridal party. But if that means there will be 11 bridesmaids or ushers, it may be best to select two or three close friends so none of them feels left out.

When it comes to pictures, family counselors say, the bridal couple should defer to the wishes of their biological parents. If that means no pictures of the parents together, so be it. But the photographer must be notified of the family dynamics in advance, so there is no awkward moment when both parents are herded together for the album snapshot.

“Be creative and be open-minded,” says Katz. “And remember, it’s rare that actual outbursts occur at weddings. Usually, most of the difficulties arise in the planning stage.”