Changing Course : After a Spouse Reveals His or Her Homosexuality, O.C. Couples Have Found It’s Not the End of the World--or Even of the Relationship

It was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime, one that Virginia Smebye would never forget. And it certainly lived up to its billing, but not for the reasons she anticipated.

There she was on the Queen Elizabeth II, smack in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, when her husband, Ron, shared a secret he had harbored for years.

He told her he was gay.

“We were halfway between New York and England, so even if I’d wanted to run, I couldn’t have,” Virginia says. “It was awful and amazing at the same time. We’d been married 12 years, and I couldn’t believe there was anything about Ron I didn’t know. It was an incredibly emotional afternoon. I knew that it was at least as hard for him to tell me as it was for me to hear it. By telling me the truth, Ron was risking everything.”

For some couples, such heart-to-hearts mark the beginning of the end. “I know women who’ve thrown their husbands out of the house the same day they found out,” Virginia says. “But that never even crossed my mind.”

In fact, she and Ron, a computer consultant and former Xerox executive, have continued to share a home and a life for 12 years. Both 45, they live in Irvine on a quiet cul-de-sac with their 15-year-old daughter, Maryscott, and their cat, Arnold, named by Maryscott after the lead character in Harvey Fierstein’s “Torch Song Trilogy.”

“I’m sure some people who know about us wonder ‘Why would she stay with a gay husband? Why wouldn’t she get on with her life?’ ” Virginia says. “But my life with Ron has been very full and very happy. We’ve have raised a bright, beautiful daughter together. We’ve worked. We’ve traveled. We have terrific friends.

“There’s more to a good marriage than sex. If there are 100 pieces to the marriage puzzle, Ron and I managed to fit 99 of them together.”

While Virginia and Ron Smebye’s relationship may sound unique, experts say their circumstances aren’t all that unusual.

“There are at least 2 million men and women in this country who are married to gay or lesbian partners,” says Amity Pierce Buxton, author of “The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming Out Crisis for Straight Spouses” (IBS Press, Santa Monica, $14.95). “And as the stigma surrounding being gay diminishes and more people come out, more spouses will find themselves confronting this issue.”

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Buxton, who in 1983 discovered that her then-husband was gay, interviewed hundreds of couples during the five years she researched her book. She says that each of them resolved the issue--and their relationship--differently. Buxton found that about 25% of the couples chose to stay together as the Smebyes have, reaching an agreement or understanding that both partners were willing to live with.

“I think the assumption most people make is that when a gay man or lesbian comes out to his or her spouse, the relationship suddenly ends,” she says. “I just didn’t find that to be the case. Sure, some couples divorce immediately and never look back. But more often, couples seem to wind down the marriage slowly, and in the process are able to redefine their relationship into a friendship that lasts a lifetime.”

Doug Reilly and his ex-wife, Melanie Willoughby, were married four years before divorcing in 1984. Even though Willoughby lives on the East Coast, Reilly, who lives in Laguna Beach, says they still talk by phone several times a week.

“I consider Melanie my best friend,” says Reilly, co-chair of Laguna Outreach, a gay and lesbian education and social organization. “We spent Christmas together, and in January we attended the Inauguration in Washington. She is--and will always be--a part of my family. In many ways, our relationship is probably more supportive and loving now than it was when we were married.”

Says Laguna Beach psychologist Richard Ammon: “I know a lot of gay men who have maintained very close friendships with their ex-wives. But in order for that to happen, I think it’s critical for the wife to understand that her husband’s being gay is not a rejection of who she is as a woman, but rather an acceptance of who he is as a man.”

Ammon says it’s important for wives to appreciate the social pressure gay men feel to stay married.

“The process of coming out is rarely easy, but it’s especially tough for men who are husbands and fathers,” Ammon says. “The pressure to keep the family together, coupled with a desire to not hurt or disappoint their wives, is very powerful. Unfortunately, when the truth finally surfaces, spouses sometimes end up feeling betrayed, cheated and misled.”

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Pat, 50, knows those feelings all too well. The Garden Grove mother of three, who requested anonymity out of fear her children might be ridiculed, says her husband of 23 years told her over dinner eight years ago that he thought he was gay.

“When he came out of his closet, I went into mine,” says Pat, who facilitates a support group called Spouses of Gays and Lesbians, which meets in Tustin on the first and third Tuesdays of every month.

“Not only do you have to deal with your own feelings of sadness, anger and loss, but you have to decide who you can trust. It stirs up a lot of vulnerability, because you’re never sure how your friends or relatives or co-workers will react.”

Pat says that most of the women who attend her support group go through a period in which they they blame themselves.

“They question their femininity and their attractiveness,” she says. “I’ve heard women say things like ‘If I only lost weight. . .’ or ‘If only I’d been a better wife and lover. . .’ They feel as though what’s happened is somehow their fault. They want to think that there’s something they could have done. Maybe that’s easier than accepting that there are some things you just can’t control.”

Pat says she receives three to 10 calls a week from people seeking information about the meetings, which are typically attended by 12 to 15 participants.

“A lot of the people who attend our meetings for the first time are stunned to see that there are so many other people in same boat,” she says. “They often feel like they’re the only ones in the world until they come here.”

Pat says that she and her husband, Joe, have worked hard to maintain a relationship, not only for the sake of their children, but because it’s one they both value.

“We split up two years ago, but we talk every day and see each other a couple of times a week,” she explains. “Twenty-three years together is not something you walk away from easily. I don’t blame my husband for being gay. I blame society for creating an atmosphere in which it’s so difficult for people to be who they really are.”

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Virginia Smebye says that while she understands many women feel betrayed, she’s not among them.

“If I hadn’t had a good time, if we’d had a bad relationship, or if I’d just stayed together for our daughter, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now,” she says. “I’d be long gone. But Ron’s the best person I know. We have the most in common. We have the best time. I like being with him a whole lot. We’ve remained together because we love each other.”

But in November, after Ron fell in love with a man he’d been dating, Virginia says she realized the time had come to move their relationship to the next step. She and Ron are now talking about divorce. They bought a book on the subject several months ago, and while neither has opened it, both acknowledge that a divorce is inevitable. “Our relationship,” says Ron, “has come full circle.”

“When Ron met another man who made his heart beat fast, it was like cold water in my face,” Virginia says. “Even though that relationship didn’t end up working out for him, it was a real wake-up call for me.”

Virginia says she wishes nothing less for Ron than she wishes her herself.

“My hope is that he will find someone wonderful that he can spend his life with. And I hope that I will find someone, too,” she says, her voice choking with emotion. “Someone who will fulfill that part of me that, through no fault of his own, Ron has not been able to. We’ve got the friendship and relationship stuff down pat, but it’s the passion part we both need to experience again. And unfortunately, we each have to accept that’s the one thing we’re not going to be able to share together.”

For more information on Spouses of Gays and Lesbians, call (714) 539-3964.