Burning Out the Candle at Both Ends : Relationships: The pressures of the recessionary ‘90s are causing more O.C. people to ‘hit the wall,’ losing any ability to enjoy life, love or work in a struggle to simply survive.

They have enough money to do just about anything they want, but Richard and Karen--an Orange County couple in their mid-30s who own a business specializing in custom interior design work--have neither the time nor the energy to enjoy their affluence.

As Richard puts it: “We have all the success we want, but we don’t have a life.”

He gets to the office at 6 a.m. every day and seldom leaves before 9 p.m. His wife arrives at 9 a.m. and often puts in more than 12 hours. On one recent day when a deadline was pressing, she worked until 2 a.m. and grabbed two hours of sleep before catching a plane to San Francisco, where she had an early business appointment.

Their meals are rarely home-cooked and almost always rushed. Most of their conversation is related to business. And their “vacations” are limited to long weekends planned around meetings with out-of-town clients.

Richard and Karen, who dream of raising kids and dogs on a farm someday, have worked so hard to withstand the downturn in the economy over the past few years that they’re now running on empty. They no longer get a charge out of what they do for a living; it’s become a chore that they perform just for money, with no sense of personal satisfaction.

Still, they continue to push themselves, because they’re afraid that if they slow down, they’ll lose the edge that enabled them to survive while the recession was driving many others in their industry out of business.

They seemed relieved to have an opportunity to talk about the job stress that has drained them physically and emotionally, but asked not to be identified because they don’t want clients to know that, behind the polished professional images, are two people who have lost their passion for their work--and for each other.

Richard and Karen both feel certain that their marriage won’t last if they don’t make some drastic changes in their lifestyle. Soon.

“We’re losing our identity as individuals and as a couple,” Richard says. “We have to find a way to take our life back.”

They have sought help from Laguna Beach psychotherapist Ruth Luban, who is offering free workshops on how to overcome burnout in the ‘90s. Luban blames the prolonged recession for many of the advanced cases of burnout that she’s seeing today.

When people suffered from burnout in the ‘80s--a time of plenty--they had choices, Luban explains. Workers who needed to refuel their psyches could take an extended vacation or sabbatical, cut back on their hours or job-share, or even quit and try something new.

But in the ‘90s, with businesses going bankrupt and companies downsizing and cutting back on employees’ salaries and hours, people are clinging to what they have. The economic uncertainty created by the recession and the faltering recovery have left people at all levels of employment feeling helpless, pessimistic and afraid. They’re working harder and longer to rise above competitors, make up for lost income and guard against future losses. And many have neither the time nor the money for the extras that once helped prevent or ease burnout--vacations, recreation and counseling, for example.

“Just as our economy demands greater effort, creativity and aggressiveness to compete for considerably fewer projects than the ‘80s offered, more professionals than ever are experiencing career burnout,” Luban says.

And often, burnout at the office spills over into relationships, causing loved ones to become alienated when they are needed most. Luban says couples get more and more distant from each other when one or both partners suffer from burnout, because they tend to argue over petty things that wouldn’t normally cause friction, unfairly blame the mate for the other’s misery, become hypercritical and come home from work feeling too tired for intimacy.

Several times in recent weeks, Richard has told Karen, “I need a wife!” Her answer is always the same: “I have nothing left to give.”

Richard understands because, he admits, that’s exactly how he feels. “I don’t know what a good husband is because I don’t have time to be one,” he says.

The couple, who have been married three years but have been together since 1984, wish they’d recognized the signs that they were heading toward burnout a long time ago, before they let their lives get totally out of balance. But they were focusing so intensely on their work that they lost touch with everything else.

Luban says that Richard and Karen are ideal candidates for burnout because both are intense, driven, perfectionistic high achievers. These “Type A’s” are the ones most likely to give too much of themselves to their careers and let the debilitating demands of a job take the place of outside activities and interests that would help keep them energized.

Richard, a onetime athlete, has allowed the demands of his business to keep him from jogging and working out regularly. By the time he gets home, he’s too tired to even contemplate exercise. Although he doesn’t like to use the term “burnout” because it makes him feel like “a quitter,” he admits he’s close to “hitting the wall.”

After one late night at the office not long ago, he broke into tears and told Karen, “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Karen, who says she has lost touch with the free-spirited, spontaneous part of herself, is also close to her breaking point. She’s in a “survival mode,” pushing herself to make sure she brings in enough work to pay her employees while feeling so exhausted that she “can’t think straight.”

“I’m completely emotional all the time,” she says, noting that it doesn’t take much to make her cry and she has become hypersensitive to criticism from clients.

“I’ve become very one-dimensional. My business is me. If it fails, I’m a failure. I care more about my clients’ feelings and thoughts than my own.”

Richard and Karen both agree that, although they’ve always had a tendency to drive themselves, the recession is what caused them to let work take over their lives.

They went through a slow period when they had to cut back on their employees’ hours and reduce personal as well as business expenses. That left them feeling that they couldn’t afford to turn any work away, and they began taking on “questionable projects” involving clients whose excessive demands increased their job stress dramatically.

Now that business has picked up, they’re becoming more selective about the projects they accept, but they still find it difficult to turn work away. Richard explains: “We still have the mentality of 1992--’This may not last, so let’s get as much work as we can and set some money aside.’ ”

That mind-set is driving employees as well as entrepreneurs to overwork themselves at the risk of burning out. Joyce, a 39-year-old Orange County resident who asked for anonymity, has been a flight service manager for the same airline for 18 years, but instead of getting kudos for company loyalty and raises, she’s had her salary cut by 12% during the past year as part of a companywide cost-saving measure.

She earns substantially less than flight service managers at other airlines, but in today’s job market, she’s not likely to find a better-paying position that isn’t already taken, she says. So she’s working extra hours to boost her income while struggling to pull herself out of an emotional slump that is making it increasingly difficult to deal with the stresses of her job.

Because she is a supervisor, she has become a target for much of the hostility that pay cuts have generated among flight attendants. They have no idea how ill-equipped Joyce is to take on the burden of their bitterness.

So far, she has managed to stay calm and controlled in the midst of crises at work. But it hasn’t been easy. “I have to handle situations that are extremely difficult. Then I come home and cry,” she says.

Joyce--whose burnout has been surfacing through such physical symptoms as frequent headaches, loss of appetite and stomach aches-- has had to force herself to stay involved in activities outside work that she used to love. Job-related frustration and fatigue have robbed her of her ability to have fun. One day she broke down in the middle of what was turning out to be a lousy tennis game. She was playing badly--and losing.

“I walked off the court and cried for half a day,” she says. “Everything was getting to me.”

Joyce, who is divorced and lives alone, tends to allow pressure to build up inside because she has no family nearby and no close friends with whom she can “spill her guts.” She recently broke up with her boyfriend--”I was so distraught and frustrated that I blew him away in an argument”--and says she has no interest in meeting other men.

“I don’t have the energy or motivation for a relationship. I have no passion for life. I’m a very up, positive person normally, but my confidence is really down. I’m just barely hanging on. I feel like I’ve been holding up the whole world, and I just can’t do it anymore.”

Joyce is beginning to find some relief--at least on Sunday mornings--through a church that offers “a peaceful environment, with no pressure, no criticism, no judgment, nice people and an encouraging message.”

She also plans to join one of Luban’s support groups for people suffering from burnout. (Those interested can call Luban at (714) 497-9777.)

Luban, who took a two-year sabbatical to recover from burnout when she “hit the wall” about five years ago, points out that just being able to talk about the anguish that comes with burnout can be a big relief because “it makes you feel less crazy.”

Too many people deny their symptoms--and take their stress out on others--instead of confronting burnout while there’s still time to keep it from immobilizing them, Luban says.

The ‘90s are likely to be especially challenging for those most susceptible to burnout because, Luban says, the unpredictability that has crept into the work world during unstable economic times isn’t likely to go away. The days when career paths were clearly marked and external forces seldom caused people to change course are gone. Change has become the only predictable part of the corporate landscape, and with it, comes stress.

Luban says people need to anticipate change and learn to be flexible in order to protect themselves from burnout in the ‘90s. They also need to lead balanced lives, because those who make their job their whole identity are most vulnerable to burnout, she adds.

Luban says her values changed in the process of recovering from burnout. She realized that she had become so caught up in performing that she was missing out on “the gifts of living.”

Richard and Karen are slowly coming to that realization, too. They recently walked away from a $100,000 project because they didn’t want to work with a difficult client.

They know they have to start making more decisions like that--asking themselves, “Is it worth it?”--if they are going to be able to enjoy the quality of life and the kind of marriage they both want.

“We’re lucky we haven’t completely destroyed our love for one another,” Karen says. “The foundation of our relationship is strong. And that’s going to prevail because, bottom line, that’s more important than our business.”