COMMENTARY : Catholics Learn Divine Art of Marketing

I suppose it had to happen.

In preparation for Pope John Paul II’s trip to Denver in August, the Roman Catholic Church has authorized the licensing of official souvenirs commemorating the papal visit. Soon it will be possible to purchase medallions, posters, postcards, T-shirts and fanny packs, all bearing the likeness of the Holy Father.

“The things that everybody laughs at, we didn’t want to be associated with,” said Sister Mary Ann Walsh, director of communication for the World Youth Festival. “We wanted to avoid tastelessness.”

Catholic officials apparently did not take kindly to the Pope-on-a-Rope souvenirs sold by entrepreneurs at previous papal gatherings. But they found nothing humorous or tasteless in having the image of the Holy Father emblazoned on fanny packs--zippered purses with belts that attach around the waist.

If you plan to attend the gathering in Denver, you will also be able to acquire something called a Pope-Scope, which allows you, by means of a periscope, to view the pontiff over the heads of those standing in front of you.

You won’t be able to make it to Denver in August? Not to worry. Papal paraphernalia will be available in K mart, Wal-Mart, Target, Sears and Woolworth stores.

Famous Artists Merchandising Exchange of Dayton, Ohio--which has handled such diverse clients as Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, University of Notre Dame, Toronto Blue Jays and the Rolling Stones--has received the papal blessing to market the products. Organizers of the World Youth Festival hope to take in more than a million dollars, which will go toward defraying the costs of the papal visit.

Catholic officials said they were responding to demand. Apparently, visitors to past papal appearances had complained about the lack of souvenirs. All pilgrims, I suppose, expect to return home with some relic from their journeys. In the Middle Ages, that might have been a splinter from the cross or a piece of a saint’s garment.

Today, it’s a fanny pack stamped with the likeness of John Paul II. Who said you couldn’t serve both God and Mammon?

In all fairness, however, Roman Catholics are coming rather late to the notion that religion and commerce are bedfellows. Daddy Grace, an African-American religious leader and founder of the United House of Prayer for All People, manufactured and marketed Daddy Grace toothpaste, soap and stationery early in the 20th Century. The televangelists, of course, are always peddling something in hopes of pulling in money.

Evangelical organizations market various forms of what I call “Christian kitsch.” Christian bookstores sell items ranging from “Witness Panty Hose” (with Bible verses woven around the ankles) to quilted Bible covers to home security signs reading, “Protected by Shed-Blood Unltd.”

Suddenly, Pope-on-a-Rope doesn’t sound so outlandish.

About the only major religious group I can think of that hasn’t joined this frenzy is mainline Protestantism. Perhaps the time has come, especially given the dismal financial condition of most mainline Protestant denominations.

I have a few ideas to offer.

The Presbyterians, who insist on doing everything “decently and in order,” should market a line of gavels, as befits their fixation with parliamentary procedure. As a secondary line, they might consider relics, beginning with their task force study of human sexuality a couple of years back, the recommendations of which were overwhelmingly rejected by the General Assembly.

The Methodists, I think, should capitalize on their history and become cartographers, making and marketing maps and atlases. No religious group was more adept at organizing the American frontier, knitting together small settlements by means of circuit riders. Who knows? Perhaps in the process of charting the interior, Methodist executives might rediscover their denominational roots.

The possibilities are endless. Episcopalians--known for their theological latitude, for bouncing from one theological position to the next with no clear direction--should market pinball machines or look into a line of bumper cars.