The Line Ends Here to Coach Clippers

I was first approached in early July as a possible candidate to coach the Clippers. My agent called and said he could probably put together a pretty impressive package of salary and incentives if I agreed to give up my current job and accept the Clipper coaching gig any time before the first day of camp.

The thought of coaching an NBA basketball club appealed to me in many ways. First, it practically guaranteed me a good seat. Second, I probably could be paid millions to endorse a new line of shoes, like that college coach from Duke with the all-consonant last name. And third, no matter what I did off the court, I stood a pretty good chance of a face-to-face meeting with Connie Chung.

“Was I their first choice?” I asked.

My agent said: “Uh, not exactly.”

He rattled off the names of Pat Riley, Rick Pitino, Lenny Wilkens, Magic Johnson, Del Harris, Bob Weiss, Gene Littles, Bill Musselman, Hubie Brown and others, until eventually I interrupted him and told him to save us some time and simply name the basketball people who hadn’t been discussed for the job.

“Bob McAdoo and Abe Saperstein,” he said.

I became concerned and said that maybe we had better acquire a little more information about the Clipper organization before actually sitting down to discuss the position.

My agent asked: “Like what?”

“Well,” I said. “Like, who plays for them?”

He gave me an update. The last time he checked, Ken Norman had gone off to another team, Danny Manning hadn’t but might, Gary Grant was grousing all over town about the shabby way he’d been treated, Ron Harper had recently been signed to a 100-year, $100-trillion contract, Mark Jackson and Stanley Roberts were committed--so to speak--for many Clipper seasons to come and the team’s first draft choice was the promising Terry Dehere, the Kid from the Hall.

“And nobody wants to coach them?” I asked.

My agent said: “No, what they want is a big-name coach.”

I asked: “And they want me ?”

And my agent said: “Well, now they’re willing to settle for a medium-name coach.”

So, I agreed to the meeting. The first thing I said was that I might not be willing to coach this team for more than a couple of seasons, but apparently that was OK because, after all, the man I would be replacing was Larry Brown, who hadn’t been willing to coach any team for more than a couple of seasons. Larry Brown wouldn’t finish a hamburger if midway through it somebody showed him a hot dog.

Out of curiosity, I asked if Billy Crystal had kept his courtside seats now that his longtime friend Larry had left the Clipper coaching job.

Nobody knew, but my agent leaned over and told me not to worry about it.

He said: “The last thing this team needs is another comedian.”

But I argued that the Clippers still had plenty of outstanding possibilities and that I thought there was no cause for all this Clipper-bashing that had been going on. I pointed out that the Clippers still had their starting backcourt, still had their starting center, still had their All-Star starting forward and still had the very able Loy Vaught to step right into the other starting forward position for the fleeing Norman.

I said: “I like this team.”

Immediately, I was asked what I would do for the Clippers, not only to improve their roster but to improve their public relations.

I told them the first thing I would do is find out how much money A.C. Green of the Lakers wanted to sign as a free agent, then add a million dollars to it. Almost overnight, the Clippers would replace Norman with a talented, respected, popular player.

They wrote this down.

The second thing I would do, I said, is reconsider this business of sending Manning to the Charlotte Hornets in a deal that would bring Kendall Gill to Los Angeles. Why? Nothing personal against Gill, that’s for sure. It so happens that I have seen Kendall play ball ever since he went to high school in Olympia Fields, Ill., and I can personally testify for him as a super, super player.

But I wouldn’t send Manning to Charlotte because Manning wants to be sent to Charlotte and why give Manning what he wants? What has Manning ever done for the Clippers besides bash them publicly, reject their offers and not win them championships?

“Maybe we should get Dennis Rodman,” I said.

“Maybe you should have your head examined,” someone said.

“Only if Dennis has his examined first,” someone else said.

What the Clippers need, I was told, is stability. “Bull,” I replied. After the Bulls changed coaches, they got even better. The Clippers could, too.

What the Clippers need, I said, is players. Don’t waste a million bucks on some coach. Spend the money on a player. If I were coaching the Clippers, I would go out right now and pay whatever it took to buy the best one money can buy.