Mother Kills Daughter, Self After Accusing Father of Sexual Abuse : New York: Marcia Rimland saw death as the only protection for Abigail after legal system discounted allegations of molestation.

Ultimately, Marcia Rimland saw death as the only protection for herself and her 4-year-old daughter. “Please forgive me,” said her suicide note to her two grown children. “I have no choice.”

She was certain--dead certain--that her estranged husband had been sexually abusing their daughter, Abigail. But Abigail’s father, and a judge, said the abuse never occurred, that the child was coached, that Rimland was overly protective--or vengeful.

When a judge ruled that Abigail’s father, Arie Adler, could continue to visit Abigail, Rimland brought a final, horrific end to the dispute.

“She made the choice she thought was right,” said her son, Jason, 23. “We can’t defend it. But I think she knew we would understand.”

It was Rimland’s older daughter, Marisa, 19, who found the bodies of her 45-year-old mother and little stepsister in a car in the family’s double garage. The motor was running and a black hose ran from the exhaust to the interior.

Marcia Rimland was a homemaker in her first marriage. That husband walked out years ago and recently died; Jason and Marisa use their mother’s last name. “She was a mother and father for us,” Jason said.

About 14 years ago, she went back to school. She graduated with a 4.0 grade average and became a lawyer.

She met Arie Adler, an engineer, at a party. They were married on Sept. 20, 1988. It was rocky from the start. “She knew in the beginning he wasn’t good for her. But there was something she loved about him,” Jason said.

Jason stayed away at school most of the time, reassuring his mother that “It’s all going to work out.” Marisa lived at home, in the thick of the marital feud. Sometimes, she called the police.

“Both parties had filed a number of petitions that the other person had assaulted or harassed them,” said Adler’s lawyer, Howard Gurock.

Abigail was born on June 3, 1989. “She was so close to my mom,” Jason said. “It was like they made each other whole.”

But the marriage did not last. Eventually, Adler moved out for good, and Rimland filed for divorce. In April, 1992, by mutual agreement, Rimland got custody of Abigail, though Adler was granted unsupervised visits. She called him “Abba,” Hebrew for Father.

“The child definitely loved her father,” Gurock said. “Every independent witness said he was loving, caring. She had no fear of her father.”

Around September, Rimland told the court that her baby sitter had noticed signs of sexual abuse in Abigail. Friends said the normally sweet-tempered child had tantrums before weekends when she was to visit her father; she also masturbated “excessively” on Mondays, after her visits, the mother and baby sitter alleged.

Because of the allegations, the court ordered the visits supervised by friends of Adler. Rimland didn’t trust them; she asked the court to halt the visits, or to assign a supervisor of her choosing.

In October, Adler was jailed for 31 days over child support. When he got out, he visited his daughter for 10 hours.

Marcia Rimland told police that her daughter came home that day hysterical and dirty, with a vaginal injury.

She didn’t tell Abigail’s doctor, Jason said, because county social workers had instructed her: “Don’t do anything until we tell you to.” Adler’s lawyer disputes that scenario.

“Abigail sleeps in the same bed with” her father, who “wears nothing but a T-shirt to bed,” Rimland asserted in legal documents.

In another document, one child-abuse expert described Abigail as sad. “She repeated to me that yes, Abba had touched her . . . on her ‘gina.”

Later, according to Gurock, she recanted: “Mommy told me to say that.”

The first expert attributed some of Abigail’s “disturbance” to marital conflict, but said she nonetheless fit the profile of a sexually abused child.

Other court experts--and the judge--disagreed.

“She is not credible,” Family Court Judge William Warren said of Marcia Rimland in a June 11 decision. “There is strong evidence she is attempting to destroy the relationship between the child and the father.”

Warren allowed a return to unsupervised visits. Rimland appealed. The higher court favored visits supervised by the same couple as before.

Stress had been building in Marcia Rimland’s life. Her mother died. She worried that her 38-year-old husband, an Israeli citizen, would spirit Abigail out of the country. His lawyer scoffs at that notion.

Rimland also claimed her husband tried to force Abigail into his faith; Gurock denies it. After their marriage, Adler converted to ultraorthodox Judaism; the rest of the family is less observant.

Eventually, Rimland lost her job at a law firm because she was so wrapped up in Abigail’s case. But she always talked of the future.

Meanwhile, Abigail went on with the business of being a child. On June 3, she celebrated her birthday with a party: 18 guests, including her “boyfriend”--a 4-year-old nicknamed T.J.--ate ice cream cake and played pin the tail on Mickey Mouse.

On June 16, Abigail was to resume visits with her father. On the night of June 15, her mother prevented that from happening.

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Adler was at his lawyer’s office when police came with the news.

“He was all smiles, looking forward to Father’s Day,” Gurock said. Then, “He was in shock for a minute or two. Then he started hysterically crying, howling.”

“I don’t think there’s any question she hated him,” Gurock said. “And he was not all that fond of her. But whether she hated him so much that she did this to hurt him? I can’t get inside her head.”

The Coalition for Family Justice, a group of divorce reform and parental rights activists based in Irvington, N.Y., has made Rimland’s death a cause celebre, holding rallies and picketing the judge’s home. She had been elected to the group’s board days before the murder-suicide.

About 100 people, including feminist Gloria Steinem and actress Lee Grant, rallied in front of Manhattan’s state Supreme Court building.

“Everyone here has a breaking point,” Steinem said. “And his (Judge Warren’s) decision pushed Marcia to hers.”

“He’s a very good judge,” countered Roberta Gleit, advocacy director at the Rockland Family Shelter.

The judge had no comment, according to a woman in his office who refused to give her name.

“They made her out to be a crazy woman,” Jason said. “The system started everything and turned its back on her.”

In the living room of the Rimlands’ cocoa-colored split-level, pink and turquoise balloons from Abigail’s birthday party droop on a wrought-iron railing.

“I loved my mother and Abigail more than anything,” said a sobbing Marisa. “All I can say is, ‘Don’t cry now. You’re safe. You’re safe. And I love you.’ ”

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Abigail was buried with one of her birthday treasures: a stuffed “mommy” kitty whose tummy bore three baby kitties--named Marisa, Jason and Abigail. She and her mother are separated in death; Adler had his daughter buried in a Hasidic cemetery in Monsey, N.Y., while his ex-wife was buried on Long Island.

In the letter Rimland left behind, Marisa and Jason try to find meaning.

“Please forgive me for any pain I have caused or will cause you in the future. You are my children and I love you more than myself. Abigail is also my child. I cannot knowingly allow her to be sexually abused. . . . Be kind to each other. I’m sorry I had to leave you alone.

“Love forever,

“Mom.”