Gives new meaning to, “Take my wife,...

Gives new meaning to, “Take my wife, please!”: The National Talk Show Guest Registry, a Reseda databank, is proud to announce a new client--the UFO Abduction Insurance Co. UFO Insurance President Michael St. Lawrence, like other registry clients, wants desperately to appear on TV to chat about his specialty. So he’s paying $3 per month for the listing, which is distributed to talk shows.

We can’t help but think that Geraldo would be interested in UFO Abduction Insurance. For a one-time premium of $9.95, the policyholder--or beneficiary--is guaranteed $10 million if kidnaped by a UFO and $20 million (double indemnity) if consumed by aliens.

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List of the day: Some other clients of the National Talk Show Guest Registry, which is compiled by Chris Darryn of Research Department Inc.:

* Mark Pirro, low-budget mogul whose Pirromont Pictures has turned out such $2,500 classics as “Nudist Colony of the Dead,” “Polish Vampire in Burbank” and “Death Row Game Show.” Darryn notes that, “On his stationery, instead of the mountain, like Paramount Pictures has, he has a large breast.”

* Ronald Regen of Rockaway, N.J., who has been campaigning for more than two decades to meet Ronald Reagan. No need to tell you how Regen pronounces his last name.

* Harry Spiller, a self-described “obsessive collector of takeout menus,” who has more than 5,000 of the objects, not to mention takeout shopping bags and “even a life-size delivery man doll.”

Darryn added: “I’ve heard from another man, but he’s not an official member of the registry yet so I can’t give you his name. But listen to this: He drank bleach as a child and survived. He was hit by lightning and survived. He was shot in the head by his father and survived. He was lost in the Mojave Desert and survived. And he had a bout with cancer and survived.”

Not bad. But has he driven the San Diego Freeway at rush-hour?

Mayo on those buns?We never thought that Sherman Oaks would be the site of the world’s first nude hamburger stand. But there’s the confirmation in our accompanying photo.

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A sweeter mousetrap: We recounted how KCAL management sent out a memo complaining that its newsroom is plagued by mice--as well as staffers who sabotage the company’s killer traps. The sad tale prompted a note to us from Greenhome, seller of “earth-friendly products.”

A sales rep recommended a device that uses peanut butter as bait and captures, but does not kill, the intruders . . . unless they already have serious cholesterol problems.

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Crisis of faith?Art Vinsel saw this headline in the San Pedro News-Pilot, above a story about a local club: “Optimists to hear mortician.”

miscelLAny:

Gidget can hold her head high again. No L.A.-area locale made the top 100 beach list of University of Maryland maritime researcher Stephen Leatherman earlier this year. Now, however, Zuma Beach has been rated one of the nation’s top 15 by Outside magazine--obviously impressed by reports of the popularity of TV’s “Baywatch” in China.