Sex, Lies and the Great Diary Debate

Last week, work in the nation’s capital ground to a complete halt. What could cause such disruption? War? Famine? Plague?

No!

It was the Great Diary Debates of ’93.

After two days of intense discussion, Oregon Republican Sen. Bob Packwood, accused by more than 20 women of sexual harassment, failed to keep his colleagues from subpoenaing the parts of his diaries he hadn’t already shown them. The good parts, one can only assume.

Packwood, a champion of women’s rights, did not fail for lack of trying. First, he threatened. The sex lives of at least two other lawmakers were detailed. Did senators really want to expose their colleagues to ridicule?

The Senate stood firm.

Then, he cajoled:

“Is there humor in them? Sure. Are there nasty comments about some of you when I got mad at something? Sure. Are there warm comments? You bet. They’re personal beyond all measure.”

How could senators resist?

They voted to subpoena those puppies ASAP.

We can only imagine what’s in those diaries. To that end, we present the first published excerpts of the Studmuffin Chronicles.

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Early 1969: Finally, I am a U.S. Senator! Unbelievable. I wish those girls who wouldn’t even look at me in high school could see this. I can get any chick I want now.

Late 1969: Spent the day in the Portland office. That new secretary is some looker. I had a few glasses of wine and I really think she was making eyes at me. It’s not my nature to be forward, so I followed her into the back room and grabbed her ponytail, stood on her toes and tried to undress her. She was wearing a panty girdle, though. No way was that thing coming off. I think they restrict a woman’s freedom. Maybe I’ll introduce legislation outlawing them.

1970: Tough times. But the fight for women’s reproductive rights is a good one. I introduced the first bill in Congress to legalize abortion. I want to do well by the women of this country. Had a few glasses of wine in the office after work to celebrate. I still can’t figure out why that secretary quit.

1973: Like so many Americans, I feel betrayed. I have demanded Nixon’s resignation. How can a man with no ethics occupy the highest office in the land? It’s appalling. I think the Party will thank me later. Boy, Tricia looks great in a miniskirt.

1974: Wow! A newspaper columnist suggested I might be presidential material. Life could not be better. I love the Senate. I love politics. About the only thing I can complain about right now are these pantsuits all the women are wearing. Why are they hiding their shapely legs? I take it personally.

1976: I only have one question today. How did John Warner score a babe like Liz Taylor?

1980: What a coup! Gloria Steinem just sent me a campaign contribution. Me! A Republican! I am going to have to buy that gal a cocktail the next time she is in town. I think she likes me.

1985: If Congress cuts spending instead of raising taxes to reduce the deficit, I see no reason why interest rates wouldn’t fall. Of course, it’s a crapshoot. I walked in on Sen. (illegible) this evening. Found him behind his desk with a half-naked women. Guess no one wears panty girdles anymore.

1986: I think I figured out a way to save RR’s tax reform bill. I liked the old system myself. But after a few brewskies, I’ve worked out something I can take back to the Finance Committee. Not that it’ll do me any good. How come every time guys like Teddy Kennedy get legislation passed, the women around here act like they’re God? . . . I should find out who did Proxmire’s hair transplants.

1990: Environmentalist are bugging the heck out of me. Tried to get the spotted owl exempted from the Endangered Species Act. Hey, I like trees too, but this bird cannot be allowed to ruin the lumber industry. It’s not like a spotted owl ever made a campaign donation.

1991: Interviewed today by Portland Oregonian. Had a couple glasses of wine and kissed the reporter goodby. Just a little peck on the lips. She acted shocked. So much talk about sexual harassment these days, you just want them to know they’re appreciated.

1992: This is unbelievable. The Washington Post has run a story accusing me of sexual harassment! They’ve found 10 women who talked. Am in shock. After all these years--pro-choice, pro-Equal Rights Amendment, pro-family leave--this is what I get. I even voted against Clarence Thomas! And all I asked for in return was what any guy would want. Was that so wrong?