Community Essay : ‘Think About the Beaten-Down Look in the Eyes of Too Many Children’ : A job as a private detective provides a window on the city; the views are disturbing.

I just finished three years working as an undercover private investigator. I often sat on surveillance for days at a time, mostly unobserved, watching what was going on in neighborhoods all over Los Angeles. It gave me a chance to learn some things about this city.

Sitting and watching life go by in poor and high-crime areas, I could see that a lot of people are desperate right now. They don’t have any money at all. They’re living day to day, hand to mouth, begging, stealing, conning--anything to just barely get by. There are people who are dirty, with tattered clothes, because they don’t have money to take care of themselves. You see them trying to sell an old shirt for 50 cents or to get someone to give them a bite of a sandwich they’re eating or to loan them a quarter.

When I was on surveillance, I liked to watch little kids playing. Some are really nice, but in extremely poor neighborhoods a lot of them look beaten down. They can still be happy sometimes, but you see a seriousness in their eyes and know they’re carrying burdens kids shouldn’t carry. And some black kids seem very afraid of white people. They look at whites like me with real fear, or with anger, as if they believe I’m evil.

I think it’s important to say that Koreans who own many small stores in poor areas treat me exactly like they treat their African American customers, so I couldn’t say they discriminate. A lot of them will stare suspiciously at any customer who comes in and follow you around as if you’ve only come in to steal. And I’ve seen a lot of shoplifting--mostly of small items like candy bars. It’s a sad situation for everyone.

So many poor people I’ve watched seem to have very low self-esteem. When a person lives a life of poverty, he can get beaten down. And if he eventually becomes desperate, at some point, he’ll do something desperate. And once someone has been accused or caught for a crime, even a minor one, the system often leaves them mentally battered and feeling even worse about themselves and feeling even less capable than before of achieving anything. There’s just no more hope in their lives.

Not long ago, I was working a case in a high-crime part of town. A guy came up to my car and kept asking me about the camera I use for surveillance. He was real skinny, no shirt, track marks from drug injections on his arms and a gun in his pocket. He had that hard-core look in his eyes I’ve come to recognize, a look of no fear and no caring, not for himself or anyone else. It’s the look of someone who’s hit bottom but is not totally beaten down--someone who’s still aggressive in a criminal way. I’ve had guns pulled on me plenty of times. I began thinking he might try to shoot me for the camera, so I left.

Part of my work was to investigate possible insurance fraud. Once, I followed a man to an office where he was claiming 100% disability, including total psychological damage. He shuffled and mumbled and, when he was asked his name, he broke down in tears, sobbing that he couldn’t remember. Two hours later, I filmed him playing tennis with friends. He was the life of the party.

Another time, I followed a Salvadoran guy who claimed his leg had been hurt. I went to his house at 5 a.m. to see if he had a night job or was faking. What I saw was this: He left before dawn to catch fish so his wife and kids could eat. Then he limped and sweated for hours through alleys, hunting empty cans from the trash.

There’s no reason in this world that in a country as rich as ours so many people are suffering and hopeless. It’s a shame on all of us. I think the greatest help and hope comes from all the hard-working, intelligent people I have seen in even the poorest communities. These people can give positive guidance and teach that there’s another life outside the fear and racism and hopelessness in their neighborhoods.

If you have ever been through a hard time, maybe not financially but in any way, remember how it affected your attitude. Remember how it affected your self-esteem and hope. Then remember to do what you can to help the children. Do volunteer work, give money to a place that helps or vote for people and programs that will help. Think about that beaten-down look in the eyes of too many poor children in Southern California.