Spirit Replaces Plenty : Spending time rather than money can make holidays more rewarding.

Jolly old St. Nick might not be wearing such a happy face this holiday season.

During what is usually a joyous time, job loss, financial difficulties and stress plague many in Southern California.

Those in this situation might take heart from the experience of the Ibach clan.

Lloyd and Judy Ibach of Chatsworth are in their mid-50s. Married for 30 years, they have lived at the same house on Owensmouth Avenue since 1966.

Now that they should be coasting into a golden sunset, his job is gone, and for the first time, she has had to work full time outside the home. They have little savings, and their income has been cut by half since 1989.

“Just when our children were grown, and we thought we were going to have it a little easier, I was forced to leave my aerospace job, found out I had lupus, and Judy had to take a full-time job doing clerical work, although she has done public relations,” says Lloyd Ibach, who now works part time as a court-appointed auditor for troubled families.

In spite of it all, Ibach says he is looking forward to Christmas.

“Since our financial situation has deteriorated, our family has actually gotten stronger, and our holidays have become more meaningful,” he says.

“Being without much money can actually enhance the holidays, because you spend more time being with the people you love rather than just buying things for them. Our last few Christmases have been the most meaningful and family oriented I can ever remember,” he says.

When you realize you are going to have to approach the holidays differently a lot of burdens lift, say the Ibachs, who also credit their positive attitude to a strong spiritual belief.

“You no longer concentrate on how many more gifts you have to buy before the deadline and think more about the way you want to spend your time with the people you love,” Judy Ibach says.

Lloyd Ibach has a couple of suggestions for people who are working with high stress and a low budget.

* Have the adult relatives draw names for exchanging gifts. “It gives you time to give real thought to the gift and the person who will be getting it. It also eliminates the frenzy of Christmas shopping and the amount of money that you are forced to spend.”

* Plan no-cost or low-cost ways to spend Christmas or Hanukkah. “Instead of stressing the gift exchanges, we seem to talk to each other more, and we’ve started a family tradition of playing board games,” he says. “Everyone talks about the games and looks forward to them all year, even though we only play them during the holiday season.”

Judy Ibach says they are very aware that many people have much less than they do, but points out that it is frightening and challenging when you have a loss of income, no matter what other people do or do not have.

Nancy Tither, director of the Associated Psychological Services mental health clinic in Encino, agrees that losses of any kind are frightening and have particular impact during the holidays.

She has no use for what she considers Pollyanna-ish nonsense about stringing popcorn to make your troubles vanish.

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“Some people cope better with stress than others, and to suggest that baking homemade cookies is going to eliminate problems is both ridiculous and unrealistic,” she says.

“People who do not have good coping mechanisms are not going to miraculously develop them overnight, particularly if they have already found the holidays difficult,” says Tither, who has a doctorate in counseling.

Making a laundry list of things you should be doing during the holidays, despite your unhappy situation, is just setting yourself up for a fall, she says.

Tither agrees with the Ibachs that pulling together as a family is a good idea.

“Spend Christmas or Hanukkah on a family bike ride or have a picnic at the beach,” she says.

“Don’t try to pretend that everything is all right, because that kind of denial only leads to over-drinking and depression. Share your feelings with your children, but don’t overburden them,” Tither says.

Barbara Henry of Encino, who also has a doctorate in family counseling, says it’s not what you do together as a family, but doing it that counts.

“Not having a lot of money to spend actually frees you up to enjoy your family,” Henry says. As a Southerner, with a tradition of oral history, she and her family like to talk about how their grandparents and great-grandparents spent the holidays.

Both psychologists say a natural reaction to stress is to want to hide out until things get better, but they add that inactivity--sitting around worrying--just compounds the situation.

Canoga Park chiropractor Richard Mellinger agrees. Muscles get tense and can feel achy as a reaction to stress, and it’s better to keep busy and active, he says.

And, recognizing that it may sound trite, Jack Avila, director of community services with Hillview Mental Health Center in Lake View Terrace, says helping others does help reduce personal anxiety during the holiday season.

“If you are alone or a member of a struggling family, organize a neighborhood or church potluck dinner. Get out and volunteer your services to a local charity that helps the homeless or shut-in. It could make for the best holiday you ever had,” he says.

Making Holidays a Family Affair

No matter whether your holiday this year is going to be grand or grab-bag, spending real time (as opposed to sharing space) with your family and loved ones is definitely an idea whose time has come.

This could be the year to start a family or neighborhood tradition. Some suggestions for low-cost, high-value activities:

* Set aside part of Christmas or Hanukkah to sit down with the family and talk about favorite holidays observed by past generations of relatives. People in the South have a wonderful tradition of oral histories that seems to help bind families together during good times and bad.

* Begin a family history with pictures taken during this holiday season, to be accompanied by a written remembrance from each member of the family. The book can be added to each holiday and should supply some laughs for generations to come.

* Instead of sending out commercial cards or photocopied letters, spend time writing to family and friends you don’t see often but whom you genuinely miss. And, instead of your letter being a laundry list of accomplishments, tell the people you’re writing to about a favorite memory you have of them, or offer thanks for some act of kindness. Thank-you notes will never go out of style.

* Draw names within the family, and just buy one gift for another family member. It gives you time to give real thought to the gift, which needn’t be expensive, just personal.

* Do something completely different--maybe a family bicycle trip through the Sepulveda Dam Recreation Area or a picnic at the beach.

* Organize a neighborhood potluck. Invite people to bring a covered dish, and chip in for the turkey or whatever. Ask kids to bring a drawing or poem to read.