DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL ... : Warm words about Andy, chestnuts roasting and Santa ... Not!

I am not going to write about Christmas. I’ve been inundated with sugar plums dancing in my head until I’ve got a migraine. So I’m not going to write about Christmas. I’m just not.

And I am not going to write about how during the holiday season every ounce of cynicism evaporates from my being and that cynicism is replaced by a dose of sentimentality that would make Pollyanna nauseous. I’m not going to write about it. I’m just not.

I’m also not going to write about that warm, tingly sensation I get when I deck my halls, hark my herald and roast my chestnuts. That warm, tingly sensation probably has something to do with standing too close to the “open fire” when I roast those chestnuts. So I’m not going to write about it. I’m just not.

And I am certainly not going to write about all those Christmas movies and specials that return every year like the flu. So what if shows such as “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “The Bells of St. Mary’s” are full of hope, warmth and charm? So what if the new “The Andy Williams Christmas Show” reminds me of his Christmas shows in the ‘60s, when I was 10 years old sitting in front of the old RCA with my black Lab Smoky. So I miss Smoky and I liked watching Andy and The Osmond Brothers running around in the fake snow, lip-syncing to my favorite Christmas songs. So what?

And I absolutely will not write about how I turn into the most gullible human ever to take root in front of the television at Christmastime. I get all choked up at the drop of a Hallmark ad, or an AT&T; “reach out and touch” someone back home commercial, or almost any ad that has a grandma in it. I’m not going to write about that. I’m just not.

But what I am going to write about is ... um ... the Weather Channel. Yeah, the Weather Channel. Have you watched that lately? It’s magnificent. All those computer maps and graphics.

Wait a minute. I’m not going to write about the Weather Channel. They always report the weather conditions at the North Pole on Christmas Eve and I’m not going to write about Santa. I’m just not.

So, at Christmastime what can I write about? What can I write about that has the same emotional simplicity as Disney’s “The Small One?” Or the same message about giving and receiving as “How the Grinch Stole Christmas?” Or the same enchantment and delight as “Frosty the Snowman?”

I don’t know anything that has all that stuff ... except Christmas. But I said I wasn’t going to write about Christmas. And I’m not. I’m just not.