This Just In! Man Trips! Exclusive Coverage!

ABC News aired another of its “Viewpoint” programs Friday, and this time the topic was an especially timely one violence in television news.

It’s true there is lots of trouble in the world, yet most of us manage to get through the day in pretty good shape. If you regularly watch television newscasts, though, it’s easy to see a pattern, and you get an idea of what they’re after.

So I was wondering what the result would be if TV covered a fairly typical morning in the life of my friend, Joe. A morning like this:

Awakening after a night of sleep, during which he briefly dreamed about a delightful murder-mystery he’d read recently, Joe stumbled in the dark and bumped into the bed, accidentally stepping on the tail of his cat, which screeched. After Joe petted the cat, it purred and licked his hand.

Joe nicked his lip while giving himself a refreshing shave, then showered and dressed in his favorite shirt and pants, feeling really good about himself and about life. While putting on his socks, his toe cramped briefly.

For breakfast, Joe enjoyed fresh fruit, a delicious bagel and a cup of steaming-hot coffee. While eating, he glanced at the paper, passing over a story about violence and poverty to read one about nuns selflessly devoting their lives to charity and other good works.

Before starting the rest of his morning, Joe wiped away a small drop of coffee that had spilled on the table.

Tease for newscast: “MORNING OF TERROR!”

Anchor: “Good evening, everyone. Heading the news tonight is this breaking story about a man who today had one of the most horrifying mornings in the history of humankind. For the explosive details, our exclusive live team coverage begins inside Joe’s bedroom.”

Reporter No. 1: “Thank you. I’m standing in front of the bed where Joe spent the night confronted by a horrible, horrible murder, after which he and his cat were seriously injured in a tragic pre-dawn accident that no one in this household will ever forget.”

Sound bite from Joe: “I think I stumbled.”

Reporter No. 1: “But that was only the beginning. For more of this incredible story, this report from Joe’s bathroom.”

Reporter No. 2: “Thank you. I’m standing in front of the sink where Joe slashed himself with a razor, raising questions about his state of mind.”

Sound bite from Joe’s wife: “He didn’t seem depressed.”

Sound bite from Joe: “I think my hand slipped.”

Newscast’s staff doctor: “Although suicide attempts while shaving are rare, they’re not unheard of.”

Anchor: “Now this live report from Joe’s closet.”

Reporter No. 3: “Thank you. I’m standing on exactly the spot where Joe, while putting on his shoes, suffered a disabling cramp that almost ended his life.”

Sound bite from Joe’s podiatrist: “I’ve told him for years not to wear ballet slippers.”

Reporter No. 3: “Although experiencing excruciating pain, Joe somehow was able to make his way downstairs. For that part of the story, we have this live report from Joe’s kitchen.”

Reporter No. 4: “Thank you. It was here, at this table where Joe for years had eaten his breakfast without incident, that his nightmarish morning of misery continued. It was here, while reading the newspaper, that he was confronted by violence and poverty. And then, in a cruel trick of fate, he was scalded by hot coffee that he claims he spilled accidentally.”

Sound bite from Joe: “I think I filled the cup too full.”

Sound bite from newscast’s staff doctor: “You wouldn’t expect someone to attempt suicide by pouring hot coffee on himself, but I can’t rule it out.”

Sound bite from Dr. Kevorkian: “Joe hasn’t contacted me. But then I’m behind on checking my phone messages.”

After breakfast, Joe went upstairs to the office he keeps in his home and spent the ensuing period serenely reading mail and returning calls, one of which was to console a friend whose 96-year-old grandmother had recently died peacefully in her sleep.

Then Joe turned on TV and watched a movie about a man who, after surviving a car accident that had killed two of his companions, went on to become a brilliant brain surgeon who saved hundreds of lives. About halfway through the movie, Joe looked out his window and saw a hawk chasing a sparrow.

The movie got Joe to thinking about his own life, and he told himself out loud how lucky he was. He had a wonderful family that sustained him, a religion that nourished him and a job that fulfilled him. Oh, like most everyone, he could use more money, but Joe decided that all in all, things were going well for him and he was a very happy man.

Tease for newscast: “SAY IT AIN’T SO, JOE!”

Anchor: “This just in! Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed. We told you earlier about the disastrous start of Joe’s morning, and now with this unbelievable story still unfolding, here’s Part 2 of our exclusive live team coverage.”

Reporter No. 1: “It was right here in this second-floor office where, later in the morning, death found the unfortunate Joe.”

Sound bite from Joe: “I just thought a call from a friend would help.”

Sound bite from expert on addictive personalities: “Just as phone sex proves irresistible to some people, Joe’s encounter with phone death could also be part of a pattern.”

Reporter No. 1: “That wasn’t all, for the next calamity to befall Joe was a car crash that took two lives. For more on this side of the story, we go outside for a close-up look at danger.”

Reporter No. 2: “Thank you. I’m standing at the bottom of a mountain where Joe’s own car would land and explode into flames if he chose to drive it off the top. Frankly, only a deeply disturbed and self-destructive man would contemplate such an action.”

Reporter No. 1: “Unfortunately, I have to report that Joe’s sad saga didn’t end there. I’m now standing by Joe’s desk where, still shaken, he looked out this window here and came face to face with . . . terror in the skies!”

Sound bite from newscast movie critic: “It’s the most terrifying tale of ornithology since ‘The Birds.’ ”

Reporter No. 1: “And it sent Joe into a deeper, possibly even violent depression about his terrible cash shortage.”

Sound bite from a bail bondsman: “Without cash, he couldn’t post bond if he were charged with malicious mayhem or murder.”

Anchor: “Joe and murder. Has it come to this? In case Joe ever is charged with murder, or cops a plea to felonious assault with a deadly weapon, we’ve set up a defense fund that viewers can contribute to by calling. . . .”