1993 Year in Review : Bumblers, Mumblers, Fumblers, Grumblers and Rumblers

Let’s face it, 1993 was a fairly ignominious year in the pop music world, a year in which:

* Allegations against Michael Jackson dominated the scene (and consequently made otherwise humorous observations about such follies as his “Oprah” appearance and spaced-out deposition in a copyright suit now seem in poor taste).

* The artist with the most anticipated debut in years was charged with assisting in a murder before his rap album was even in the stores.

* The two most dynamic pop personalities were a pair of cartoon dunderheads who unwittingly (and witlessly) became the center of debate about media responsibility for viewer actions.

* The most significant new contributions to language were the profound statements, “Whoomp! There it is” (or is that “whomp”?) and the deathless “heh-heh-heh . . . huh-huh . . . heh-heh-heh.”

At least Beavis & Butt-Head kept their clothes on for their Rolling Stone cover picture, bucking an escalating trend. First Janet Jackson, then Cindy Crawford and, for a change of pace, Blind Melon.

In any case, there was plenty to laugh at and with (mostly at) and as the above examples indicate, laughs were needed more than ever. So drum roll please for this year’s daring doers of dubious distinction:

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A AMONG MEN: Few this year achieved greater dubious distinction than Prince.

Say it with us:

Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince.

Phew! We’ve been saving that up ever since Mr. Purple decreed on his 35th birthday that he was abandoning his given name in favor of that ludicrous symbol (prompting our colleague Chris Willman to remark, “Now he’s like God--he has a name that cannot be pronounced”). That alone is enough to make Prince Rogers Nelson our choice for 1993.

But wait, there’s more! How about his ballyhooed return to U.S. stages for the first time in four years, with a royal mess of a show? Among the nightly rituals: an on-stage torching of a negative newspaper review--a trick that fizzled on Arsenio Hall’s show when he couldn’t manage to ignite a copy of a review by Minneapolis Star Tribune critic Jon Bream. The frustrated look caught on camera was priceless.

And then he announced that he was “retiring” from the recording studio (would have loved to have had the Alka-Seltzer concession at Time Warner’s executive offices, where they’d just last year given the star a new mega-deal), though he says there’s plenty of already-recorded material to keep new albums flowing for years to come.

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NAME GAME II: Perhaps not wanting to be left out, Todd Rundgren announced that he would now be known as TR-I. No one paid him any mind.

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IDOL CHATTER: Billy Idol did everything but change his name in his two-years-too-late “Cyberpunk” phase. Maybe a name change would have helped, though, given the ill reception for the album, accompanied by a virtually incomprehensible video (oh my God, Billy--your hair !) and a virtually unusable computer press kit (delivered on discs that only work on Apple MacIntoshes, though the virtual reality here is that the majority of rock journalists use IBM clones). The album was the year’s certifiable cyber-flop.

But that’s not why Idol is deserving of our honors. No, his dubious distinction of 1993 came from his implication-by-association with alleged Hollywood madame Heidi Fleiss, which led the rocker to issue an official statement: “Fortunately, I have never had to pay for sex.”

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VEDDER DAYS: Most people getting their picture on the cover of Time magazine would proudly buy extra copies to send to the folks. Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder ain’t most people. After an unsolicited appearance as the magazine’s cover boy culminated the band’s high-profile anti-hype campaign (yes, we know that’s oxymoronic) for its mega-selling “Vs.” album, the brooding Vedder told a concert audience that he’d used the photo for, ahem, purposes of personal hygiene.

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AWARDS? WHAT AWARDS?: Vedder’s public grousing actually began at the MTV Video Music Awards show in September, where he mumbled something anti-video while accepting an award (and then thoroughly muddied the issue in attempts to elaborate on his thoughts for the press backstage and for MTV news guy Kurt Loder on the air).

But there was oh so much more to enjoy at the show: The wooden presence of host Christian Slater (next year--Charlie McCarthy!) . . . drag diva RuPaul’s utterly tasteless ad libs with Milton Berle (who looked better in a dress in his day) . . . the failure of LAPD officers to apprehend Snoop Doggy Dogg (hard to miss with his large posse in tow) on the aforementioned murder charges.

Special kudos, though, to Tony Bennett for good-naturedly playing physical and verbal leap-frog with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Pure class.

But does anyone remember who won the awards? Does anyone care?

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THE SCHNOZ LIVES!: Scoring another blow for the older guard, U2’s “Zooropa” was knocked out of the No. 1 album position by the soundtrack for the film “Sleepless in Seattle,” which includes among its highlights a version of “As Time Goes By” sung by Jimmy Durante. Good night, Mr. Hewson, wherever you are.

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FUNNY MONEY: Perhaps the LAPD folks should get together with the Florida law officers who confiscated fake bills tossed by Perry Farrell into the audience of a show by his band, Porno for Pyros--currency sporting Farrell’s picture. We always thought there was a big resemblance between Farrell and George Washington.

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BITE THAT HAND: L.A. rookie rock-rap band Rage Against the Machine lived up to its name and became the rock embodiment of the Groucho adage about never wanting to belong to a club that would have you as a member. On the final day of “Lollapalooza ‘93,” Rage frontman Zack de la Rocha got the young, KROQ-lovin’ crowd to chant “(expletive) KROQ” to protest the alternative-rock station’s decision to edit a Rage song for airplay because of repeated uses of that very expletive.

KROQ retaliated by banning the band from its playlist, though the two parties eventually kissed and made up, leading to Rage being invited to perform at the station’s “Acoustic Xmas” concert . . . where it performed a little guerrilla-art skit about domestic violence, leaving KROQ officials muttering once again.

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MEET THE BEETLES: The latest troubling trend in rock-star afflictions struck both Eddie Van Halen and Moody Blues member Justin Hayward during concert tours in July. Van Halen woke up one night in great agony, while Hayward was performing with his band when he too felt a tremendous pain. Emergency medical examination revealed that in each case a beetle had burrowed into the victim’s ear.

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THE PEOPLE’S COURT: Erstwhile bat-biter Ozzy Osbourne sued the New York magazine Music Confidential for $1 million for running a story claiming that he’d had a stroke and was trying to keep it secret.

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GUNS N’ CROONERS: Harry Connick Jr. got busted for carrying a concealed gun in an airport. Watch for him to create a new genre: gangsta-jazz.

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NICE TRY: Axl Rose tried to talk his way out of the controversy stirred from recording a Charles Manson-penned song by claiming he thought it had been written by the late Beach Boys drummer Dennis Wilson, who’d had an association with Manson. So how does he explain ending his recording of the song “Look at Your Game, Girl” with a mischievous “Thanks, Chas?”

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AND DON’T FORGET TO WRITE: Our Pete Best Award goes to Jesse Tobias, the guitarist hired by the Red Hot Chili Peppers only to be canned just weeks later in favor of ex-Jane’s Addiction ax-man Dave Navarro. Unfortunately for Rolling Stone, the move wasn’t made fast enough to prevent the magazine from running a full-page story on Tobias.

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THE UNDEAD: Seattle punk band the Dwarves sadly reported to its record label, Sub Pop, that its guitarist, known as Hewhocannotbenamed, had died after a bar-room altercation, only to reveal--after Sub Pop had exchanged sympathy cards with the musician’s “family” and announced the death to the public--that the whole thing was a hoax. Sub Pop promptly dropped the band like a hot potato.

In case you were wondering, Hewhocannotbenamed is no relation to .

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CAREER MOVES: If you’re looking for a job as bandleader on a TV talk or variety show, the best item on your resume may just be noting that you used to be in Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band. Drummer Max Weinberg landed the job on Conan O’Brien’s NBC replacement for David Letterman’s show, while guitarist Nils Lofgren held the slot on Paula Poundstone’s short-lived ABC series. Seems appropriate, since the combined total of viewers for those shows is the exact number that can fit into the Stone Pony club in Asbury Park.