Partners Go for the Goal Line : Relationships: Orange County couples establish aims by identifying what works and what needs improvement and agreeing on concrete solutions.

Setting goals in a relationship can go a long way toward keeping it healthy and on track, say those who have made it a practice. And while the process is much different than making New Year’s resolutions, the start of a new year is a natural time for mutual goal-setting.

“When Jan. 1 comes, we all give a collective sigh, and in that moment there is a willingness to renew--to listen and share goals,” says Laguna Beach counselor Ruth Luban, who works with couples and individuals. “It’s a good idea to take advantage of that mood and plan for the future.”

Goal-setting can be a part of any relationship, whether it is between couples, parents and children or others.

To do so effectively requires taking a close look at the relationship, identifying areas that work well and areas that need to be improved, setting goals and agreeing on concrete solutions to make those goals a reality.

Among Orange County couples who have made a practice of setting goals within their relationship are Kathy and Mel Mercado of Rancho Santa Margarita and Marsha and Dick Andersen of Huntington Beach.

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For about four years now, the Mercados, both 31, have gotten together every January and agreed on goals for the year, which they continue to refine and add to throughout the year.

They’ve tackled everyday subjects--such as who cleans the house and pays the bills--and achieved long-range goals--such as setting up a savings plan for their 4-year-old son’s college education and a retirement plan for themselves.

Last January the Mercados set a number of goals aimed at improving their relationship.

“We decided to spend more time alone together in 1993, so we did a number of things over the last year to make that happen,” says Kathy, who is an account executive for a publishing company in Irvine. The couple made sure to have at least two date nights each month over the past year and also took a Caribbean vacation.

After the birth of their youngest son four months ago, they soon saw a need for some alone time every day.

“When Austin was born, Mel and I got in the bad habit of doing separate things after the kids went to sleep,” Kathy says. “He would watch TV, and I would read in another room, which meant we weren’t seeing much of each other, even though we were in the same house. So we came up with a plan to play games or just talk every night after the kids are in bed, which has been really enjoyable.”

Since having children, the Mercados have found that their goal-setting often revolves around family issues.

“Kathy and I work a lot,” says Mel, who is a project manager for an architectural firm in Newport Beach. “Our biggest goal with the kids has been to make sure we’re not forcing them to fit our schedule; we do the best we can to fit into their schedule.”

The Mercados have set up weekly, monthly and quarterly goals and activities for their boys. “Weekly goals are very simple,” Kathy says. “For instance, a recent one was getting our 4-year-old to brush his teeth every day.”

Monthly goals have included helping their 4-year-old study “Hooked on Phonics” once a week, and a recent quarterly goal was a family trip to the zoo.

The benefits of setting goals and setting priorities, even for seemingly insignificant things, has given the Mercados peace of mind about their future together.

“Our goal-setting continues to improve our relationship and quality of life,” Mel says.

Kathy agrees. “Before we began setting goals, we had a lot of great ideas, and we’d grab at one now and then, but we weren’t accomplishing much. Having goals and making plans to meet them reaffirms that we’re both heading in the same direction and want the same things out of life.”

Two major goals the Mercados set last January and have since achieved were getting their finances in order and solving a longstanding battle over who would clean the house. Before they came up with a solution, Mel was paying the bills, which he hated to do, and Kathy wasn’t having much luck coming up with a cleaning schedule. They finally came to a solution: Kathy would pay the bills and Mel would clean, and it has worked out well.

Often, say the Mercados, their goal-setting and plans involve compromise. “One of Mel’s goals for 1993 was to get home-cooked meals, but I’ve never really been much of a cook, and neither is he,” Kathy says. “Initially, when he asked, I thought, ‘too darn bad.’ But then I looked at how much money we were spending on eating out, and I decided to give cooking a try.”

Her one stipulation: When she cooks, Mel has to eat the food, even if he doesn’t like it.

This January the Mercados have several things on their lists to talk about for 1994, including continuing to ensure that their marriage stays healthy, which will involve making plans for another vacation alone together. They will also discuss long-term plans such as buying a new house and will take a close look at their retirement plan and children’s education fund.

Before getting together to do their beginning-of-the-year planning, the Mercados will do as they always do and make their own separate lists, which they then compare.

“Now that we’ve been goal-setting for several years, we’ve found that our lists tend to coincide much more than they used to,” Kathy says. “The lists also keep us attuned to what is important to the other person, and that keeps our marriage healthy.”

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A few times a year, Marsha and Dick Andersen of Huntington Beach get away on vacation and take the opportunity to do some goal-setting, which they say is great for their relationship.

“Goal-setting helps us focus on each other and our own individual needs,” says Marsha, 47, who is a partner with Dick, 49, in their Westminster vocational rehabilitation company.

When the Andersen’s began goal-setting a few years ago, they started with very simple goals for the coming year. Since then they’ve become adept at the process and now set short-term and long-term goals on a regular basis.

The Andersens’ goal-setting generally follows a pattern and coincides with a getaway trip. For the first two evenings or so, they are in what Marsha calls the “dreaming phase.” At that point they will tell each other things they’ve always wanted to do.

One dream brought recently was Dick’s longstanding desire to go to a Frank Sinatra Invitational Golf Tournament. “We talked about it and decided we could do it as a couple and that we could afford it,” says Marsha. “Dick was then assigned to do certain things when we got home that would make his dream a reality.”

The Andersen’s say that goal-setting was initially an effort, but they now find the process easy and rewarding.

“We have confidence in goal-setting, because it’s worked for us,” Dick says. “It has also become clear since we began goal-setting that every problem has a solution. Some solutions take a while to materialize, but they eventually do, and our relationship is stronger because of it.”

One solution that took a while to make itself apparent was who would cook. “Although Marsha is a good cook, she doesn’t like to cook. I do enjoy cooking, though, so I’ve become the main cook,” Dick says. “She helped me with that by giving me cooking lessons as a gift, and that really inspired me.”

Not only does goal-setting solve problems for the Andersens, it also tunes them in to what’s important to the other person.

“When you sit down and tell each other what you’ve always wanted to do, it teaches you about your partner and alerts you to things you may not have known,” Marsha says. “I didn’t know, for instance, that Dick really wanted to go to that golf tournament.”

During dream/goal-setting sessions, the Andersens have learned interesting things about one another, including the fact that Dick, who has been taking tai chi for the past year, would like to be an instructor when he retires. And Marsha recently shared that she would like to do some writing. As a result, she signed up for a long-term course on writing novels.

The Andersens have also found that sharing dreams helps because the listener will often give encouragement.

“You might be worrying about spending too much money on something or taking time away from the family, and it really helps when the other person is supportive and says to go ahead and do it,” Marsha says. “Encouragement really helps to push you in the right direction.”

Among goals they’ve set and met are remodeling their house and devising a solid retirement plan for the next 15 years.

In 1994 they plan to make plans to spend more free time away from the office and will probably set a goal to take a week off on a quarterly basis. Besides going to nearby Palm Springs, where they usually vacation, they are planning an overseas trip.

The Andersens recommend goal-setting to all couples.

“Goal-setting helps you deal effectively with problems and makes you stronger individually and collectively,” Dick says. “Although it’s a little difficult at first, it gets easier and easier, soon creating its own momentum.”