Accentuate the Positive for Productive Goal-Setting

If you’d like to try goal-setting with a spouse, significant other or even a child or co-worker, counselor Ruth Luban has some suggestions for making the experience a productive and positive one.

* Set aside enough time. To do a thorough job, you need at least a night and day, says Luban, who also urges couples to do the goal-setting outside of the home and without the children. “The advantage to going away is that it puts you in a neutral environment,” she says. “If you’re short on funds, go camping. It doesn’t matter where you go, just get away.”

* Make separate lists. Before going away together you should each make three lists, Luban says. The first should list what you appreciate and admire about the other person. The second should list the needs and wants you have in the relationship, including issues that have been bothering you that you would like to solve. The third list should have goals and joint activities you would like to complete in the coming year.

* Start with positives. Begin by reading your appreciations to one another and then have an enjoyable dinner.

* Cover problems second. The next morning, have breakfast and then find a comfortable and private place to go over your list of gripes and things you’d like to see improved. “First, briefly review each list, and then take turns reading needs and wants to each other, starting with less explosive issues,” Luban says.

When performing this exercise, keep in mind that the purpose is to openly communicate, not criticize or attack one another. “When sharing information, just express how you feel about a particular topic and never blame or invalidate your partner,” Luban says. “Also allow your partner to reflect back what he or she has heard, so that you know that you’re being understood.”

Likewise, the listener shouldn’t interrupt or give advice. And he or she should validate the other partner whenever possible.

* Brainstorm a solution. Once the sender feels that he or she has said what needed to be said, come up with a win/win solution that is acceptable to both. “At the very least, they must agree to disagree,” Luban says.

* Get some exercise. Once you’re done with your wants and needs list, Luban suggests dissolving tension and celebrating the solutions you came to with some physical activity, such as walking. * Set mutually agreed upon goals. After getting some exercise, and maybe even over dinner, review your joint activities and goals list, and decide what you’d like to do during the coming year. Also make sure to discuss the steps that need to be completed in order to make those goals a reality.

* Make it an annual event. When you do goal-setting the following year, you can start by reviewing the third goal list and celebrating what you’ve accomplished.