PERSPECTIVE ON MARRIAGE : Some Women Nurture Misery : We misuse the word to call Lorena Bobbitt a victim. This sort of relationship is a mutual effort.
No matter how much we try to cover it up, the truth is this: The relationship between men and women is dark, irrational and turbulent, defined by ambivalence and laced with underlying hatred. Unexpressed violence is a part of this archaic and basically primitive relationship. Sex and its seductive and urgent powers are not about fairness, niceness and equality--the homicide squad can tell you that. Living with men without getting beaten up or put down is about survival tactics, about smarts, about the power of intelligent judgments, about self-reliance and--most of all--about responsibility.
Lorena Bobbitt was abused, no doubt, and yet she stuck around. When she realized that she had married an abusive roughneck, she sought a restraining order but failed to show up to complete the paperwork.
The degree to which many women tolerate outrageous acts by men, be it physical violence, verbal abuse or just plain bad behavior, is staggering.
Ignoring the obvious warning signs, women marry violent alcoholics (they are sure they’ll cure him with “love”) and are surprised when they are repeatedly beaten or raped. Is it hope or stupidity that numbs women’s perception? As long as women write sentimental love letters to serial killers in prison, pine away for Mike Tyson, marry Donald Trump and have willing sex with Joey Buttafuoco, the future looks grim.
The whole issue of sexual harassment, date rape and so on is really also just a symbol for the unresolvable conflicts between men and women. It is loaded with hypocrisy, convenient female-underdog fairy tales and, above all, rage and confusion. I believe women have run out of excuses for their own inept, irresponsible behavior. The term “victim” has been misused until it has lost its punch, which is unfortunate for the real victims. Lorena Bobbitt is not one of them.
We are indeed responsible for whom we marry, whom we allow to influence and inspire us, share our beds, our fears and intimate thoughts. The times when parents sold their daughters for a couple of cows are over. Most women can pick whom they want, be what they want, do what they want when and how they want it. If they wind up with a jerk, a woman-hater, a philandering Mama’s boy or a sadistic two-timer, it’s because that’s what they chose; it’s their own fault.
By the way, there is a resemblance between Mrs. Buttafuoco and Mrs. Bobbitt. Both married heels and losers and both knew it. While Mrs. Buttafuoco turned to heroic masochism by taking Amy Fisher’s “bullet of love” and sticking to her sleazy husband, Mrs. Bobbitt turned to sadistic retaliation and took a knife. If one looks at the many wives who tried to rid themselves of husbands through violence and murder, what comes to mind is that they deserved each other fully: Men and women are partners in crime and they torture each other with a gender-specific arsenal of weapons that cut, slice, wound and scar.
The Bobbitts are a sordid, unsavory couple, the kind I can’t stand but see too often, who lived in a sadomasochistic marriage both consented to. These wives are the mentally lazy, disinterested women who are trapped and bored and angry, not because they are victims but because they prefer having a guy around to living at their own risk. It is often not fear for their lives but fear of living that turns women into the creators of their own misery.
Life with men, married or unmarried, can obviously be hellish, messy and challenging, so don’t get married or don’t live together unless you are mature and can use your brains and judgment. Forget about inflicting “penis penalty” in the style of Lorena Bobbitt. Women must strike back at unworthy men where it really hurts: with education, self-confidence and independence.
We are as far from male-female friendship, equality and understanding as we’ve ever been, and the mere act of marriage can’t turn that around. Maybe conventional marriage means having unwanted sex sometimes as much as having unwanted conversations, unwanted confrontations--in short, unwanted company. It’s no fun and it’s not right but it’s what happens when two sexes live under one roof. Nobody married needs the extra agony of going to sleep and not knowing which parts might be missing the next morning, tossed along the roadside. In a lot of marriages, the knowledge that something important is already missing is painful enough.