Multicultural Manners : Social Visits Serve Food for Thought

A visiting music professor from Java has a confusing time when he arrives to teach at an American university. His hospitable colleagues frequently invite him to their homes.

“Would you like something to eat?” they ask him.

He always declines the first offer.

Later, his hosts again inquire, “Are you sure you wouldn’t like something to eat?”

He assures them that he does not desire any food.

The American hosts do not ask again. They assume that their guest does not like American food or that it disagrees with him. They are unaware that he is actually hungry.

What went wrong?

For Javanese people, food must be offered three times before guests can say yes. And they are not the only ones who believe it is impolite to accept the first offer. Filipinos often refuse the first time and Koreans frequently wait until after the third invitation before accepting.

Unfortunately for the visiting Javanese professor, Americans usually do not offer food three times. To do so seems like we are pushing food upon our guests.

Rule: If your guests decline the first offer of food or drink, offer it at least two more times to keep them from seeing themselves as impolite. Or automatically serve refreshments right away to relieve guests of the pressure of propriety.

Norine Dresser is a folklorist and author of “I Felt Like I Was From Another Planet,” (Addison Wesley). Tell her your experiences c/o Voices.