Perfect Clarification: ‘I Am Not a Crook--I Was a Victim’

Poor Richard Nixon.

How different modern American history would have been if old RMN had just been a little more savvy about human behavior, especially his own.

If he had, there would be no footnote beside his name as the only President ever to resign his office. No lingering stain from his role in covering up the Watergate break-in in 1972. No need to spend so much time rehabilitating his reputation over the final years of his life.

Instead, imagine a Nixon who the public accepted, felt sorry for and, most important, understood.

It was Nixon’s misfortune, however, to come along before the Menendez brothers, Lorena Bobbitt and Tonya Harding.

If only Richard Nixon had known himself well enough to stand on the White House steps and, as the U.S. Supreme Court and the House Judiciary Committee closed in on him, yell out: “I’m a victim, dammit!”

Alas, that wasn’t Mr. Nixon’s style. His inner child was a 40-year-old guy with wingtips and a dark suit.

But if he had known that his place in history depended on it, maybe he would have probed his psyche and better understood the Watergate scandal.

Drat that Gerald Ford. If he hadn’t pardoned Nixon, there would have been a trial. And who knows. . . .

Defense attorney: Mr. Nixon, your taped conversations suggest that you tried to hinder the investigation of the burglary at Democratic Party headquarters and that you were willing to pay hush money to the burglars.

RMN (dressed in Dockers, baggy sweater and tasseled loafers): May I share something with you?

Attorney: Surely.

RMN: I’ve never shared this before, but I had a difficult childhood.

Attorney: In what way, Richard?

RMN: From the time I was in fourth grade, I was different than the other boys.

Attorney: How so?

RMN: For one thing, I was shaving. Everybody made fun of me, especially for the way I dressed. I liked to wear white shirts and ties.

Attorney: I see nothing wrong with wearing a shirt and tie, Richard.

RMN: To a football game?

Attorney: What else?

RMN: May I have a tissue, please? This is not easy for me.

(Attorney hands him a box of Puffs.)

RMN: My father . . . was distant. We never talked that much. That must have done something to me, don’t you think? (He begins to sniffle.) My mother was overly attentive and made me play the piano, so all the other guys called me a sissy.

Attorney: Go ahead, Richard.

RMN (beginning to dab at eyes): One time in high school some of the guys invited me to go along on a kegger. I had never drunk beer except for that one time when they made me chug a whole bottle during lunch break. . . .

Attorney: Tell us what happened then, Richard.

RMN (sobbing): I came back and threw up in biology. Some of it got on the teacher, and he swatted me with a ruler.

Attorney: How did that make you feel, Richard?

RMN (nearly inaudibly): Like I was nothing.

Attorney: And is that why, after you became President, you made a secret promise to get back at everyone who had ever done you wrong and to destroy the career of everyone you were jealous of?

(He nods, but is too distraught to speak.)

Attorney: Is that why you did all those unconstitutional and illegal things, Richard? Were you trying to tell people that you weren’t a sissy anymore?

RMN (defiantly): Yes! I wanted people to know I had guts.

Attorney (very softly): What happened at the Watergate, Richard?

RMN (wailing): I knew everything! It was my idea! I wanted to go along on the burglary but everybody knew I was all thumbs so they wouldn’t let me. But they let me drive the getaway car. (One final giant bellow.) I drove off when the others got caught! Oh God, I’m so ashamed!

Attorney: You were there the night of the break-in, Richard? Is that what you’re telling us?

RMN: I showed ‘em. I showed ‘em I had guts!

He breaks down on the witness stand.

Attorney: Is there anything else you’d like to tell the American public, Richard?

RMN (composing himself and staring into the camera): Yes. I hope you can forgive me. I tried to be strong, but I couldn’t take it anymore--the names, the jokes, the cartoons showing me with the big nose and the jowls. I knew it was wrong to spy and eavesdrop and double-cross and burglarize and sabotage, but I just couldn’t help it.

Attorney: Thank you, Richard. You can step down now. I know this has been tough for you.

RMN steps down from the stand and looks out into a courtroom full of spectators, all softly crying. Spontaneously and in unison, they begin applauding.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday.