LILLEHAMMER / '94 WINTER OLYMPICS : Raging Belles Putting This Fight on Ice

By MIKE DOWNEY

Feb. 23, 1994 12 AM PT

LILLEHAMMER, Norway —

Like any good fight, the Thrilla at Lillehammer will begin tonight with the introductions. In this corner, wearing the . . . what? Gossamer white? Weighing in at 115 pounds in her stocking feet and kneecap Band-Aid, the mademoiselle from Massachusetts, that courageous “Why Me?” lady, NANNNN-cy KERRRR-igan! And, in this corner, at a spunky 105 1/4 pounds, wearing a tulip-pattern teddy from Frederick’s of Amsterdam, that ornery Oregonian, that mistress of mischief, TONNNN-ya HARRRR-ding!

OK, let’s have a good, clean skate. No gouging, no mugging, no ponytail pulling, no sequin plucking. In case of a knockdown, go to your nearest “kiss-and-cry” area.

Now, shake hands and come out skating.

Yes, the rouge will be flowing, ladies and gentlemen. In tonight’s main event at the world-famous--well, maybe not--Hamar Olympic Amphitheatre, we will finally get to see the head-to-toe combat between Nancy Kerrigan, a woman once voted to People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People in America,” and Tonya Harding, a woman recently nominated for the FBI’s “10 Most Wanted” list.

What a night, what a fight. These top-ranked contenders from this month’s issue of Rink magazine will be pirouetting, pouting and putting everything they have into Round 1 of a maximum two-rounder that could turn out to be a super-colossal, trans-global, why-are-we-watching-this-nonsense flopperoo or else the most hair-raising experience since Don King. (And remember, the smaller they are, the faster they fall.)

Let’s get ready to rummmmmmmble!

Back in America, CBS is expecting ratings somewhere between Hawkeye Pierce giving a farewell kiss to Hot Lips Houlihan and descendants of Kunte Kinte searching for their African roots. All this for a couple of semi-obscure figures of figure skating who at least temporarily have surpassed Peggy Fleming, Dorothy Hamill, Kristi Yamaguchi and Hans Brinker in the slippery-footing hall of fame, without either having ever won an Olympic gold medal--or silver, even.

During 6 1/2 weeks of crime drama, soap opera and situation-comedy that have kept many TV viewers enthralled since Kerrigan was ambushed by alleged acquaintances of Harding’s, what was once a gentle, almost dainty athletic event has been transformed into a three-rink circus.

Among hundreds of gags told by every stand-up comic who can stand up, there was David Letterman’s line: “CBS had so much success with last week’s special, ‘Nancy Kerrigan & Friends,’ they’re coming back next week with another special, ‘Tonya Harding & Accomplices.’ ”

Oh, what a wacky story.

Kerrigan, the victim, practically went into hiding. There was constant surveillance of Harding’s every step, every sound, every purchase of a Slurpie at a 7-Eleven. Tonya’s truck gets a parking ticket! (Film at 11. ) Her asthma made her cough. Her friend had a fender-bender. Her lawyer filed a lawsuit. Her fans gave her a teddy bear. Her neighbor asked her to baby-sit. Her mommy fainted on a talk show. Her ex exposed her chest to the public.

And, say what you will about media madness, two letters to the editor typifying the outrageousness of the general public’s reaction to the Kerrigan-Harding case recently ran back-to-back on the op-ed page of an Atlanta Journal-Constitution newspaper--one in reply to an editorial cartoon, the other in reply to a columnist who specializes in country slang.

Mike Luckovich’s cartoon showing Charles Manson being allowed to skate in the Olympics was possibly the most tasteless effort in recent times. --Frank O. Walsh III, Atlanta

As a lover and admirer of good ol’ girls, I get turned on by Tonya’s trash talkin’, truck drivin’, illegal parkin’, consortin’ with shady characters and inhalant suckin’. --Jim Simpson, Atlanta

No morsel has been too small, no quote too insipid. We’ve read detailed accounts of Kerrigan waving and saying, “Bye.” We’ve heard sound bites of Harding saying, “Thanks for coming.” We have probed for comments from luminaries ranging from President Clinton to King Harald V of Norway.

We have seen Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings and Dan Rather discuss latest news updates in the Nancy-Tonya story, then move along to developments in Bosnia. We have seen Connie Chung attach herself to this story as snugly as spandex to a speedskater, accompany Tonya even on the overseas flight, then suddenly alienate Tonya with a question tougher than any Connie apparently had asked her on the plane, including, possibly, “Are you going to eat those peanuts?”

Tonight, the show goes on. In what has become the nastiest rivalry between two women in the world, with the possible exceptions of Glenn Close and Patti LuPone, the skaters representing America in the XVII Winter Olympics will strut their stuff--Kerrigan and Harding, alias Nancy and Sluggo.

Let’s see, Kerrigan’s costume will be created by the famous designer Vera Wang, possibly not her trademark white this time, but probably with her customary frilly lace. Harding’s costume is being shipped here overnight, a new one designed to make her look more attractive and get her off Mister Blackwell’s Worst-Dressed list. Clothes count in this sport. It’s like boxing, only tonight they take the gloves off.

Kerrigan:

Hgt: 5-4

Wgt: 115

Eyes: Blue

Hair: Brunette

Shoe: 6-DD?

Lips: Full

Teeth: Recently fixed

Waist: 20

Rest: Never you mind

Born: 10/13/69

Place: Woburn, Mass.