OC HIGH / STUDENT NEWS & VIEWS : my turn : Everybody Wants to Fit In, but Acceptance Begins From Within

It’s a need. It’s something you and I crave, even if we don’t have it. It’s something you need as a teen, or even later in life as a leader in the business world. Psychologists have proven that if we don’t have it, our mental health will suffer.

It’s the need for acceptance, the desire to fit in, the craving for belonging. It’s one of the most basic emotional needs, as powerful, in its own way, as the need to eat and sleep.

Everybody wants to fit in. Everybody. We want to be accepted, appreciated, liked and loved. Nobody can say they don’t care what people think of them and honestly mean it.

That’s probably not news to many of us. High school can be a miserable place if you feel you don’t belong. You can be stereotyped as “different” because of the way you look, dress, behave, express yourself, what you eat, your grades and even where you live. If you’ve been labeled in a negative way, you’re probably doing everything you can to change it.

But like any need, the craving for acceptance can grow out of proportion. Unless you can understand and control this emotional need, it can take over your life and cause you to do things that you normally wouldn’t do.

Fear of being different is another aspect of peer pressure. Most of us are afraid to be different from our friends because we fear losing those friends.

For example, some people will judge a person by what he wears. They do now; they will in college, on the job and at church. At school, if you’re wearing the wrong kind of jeans, some group may look down on you. If, as an adult, you wear jeans to the office, you may not be accepted either. You may even be fired depending on the type of job you have. However, in another job, you could be laughed at for wearing a tie. Sometimes these rules are pretty useless. People should be judging you by what’s on the inside, not what’s outside.

But it can be a problem. What if the people you want to fit in with will only let you hang with them if you wear expensive jeans and you can’t afford them? Or what if the “in” style offends parents and teachers?

I hear girls in my classes discussing how hopelessly “out” one student is because she wore a pair of No! jeans to school. Who are they to criticize?

I would like to blame it on the “I-have-money-and-you-don’t-syndrome,” but that’s too easy. Everyone is subject to criticism on what they wear if every part of the ensemble is not considered “in.”

Why? Does it honestly make a difference in the grand scheme of things? With some things, it’s easier to go ahead and wear what fits in--such as at work. But no one should ever compromise their personal style completely to fit into a mold of what’s “in.” It isn’t fair, nor right. Save your efforts for things that really matter.

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The problem is that too often we want to be accepted by the wrong people, or for the wrong reasons. Or we allow our need for acceptance to lead us into behaving in ways that are hurtful.

What if a group wants you to do something that would compromise your beliefs--such as using drugs? Are you afraid to be different in cases when you should be? Do you want to be accepted badly enough to “sell your dreams for small desires,” as Neil Peart of Rush puts it?

This need for acceptance can go to extraordinary lengths to satisfy itself. Combined with negative peer pressure, it can control you. That’s why it’s important remain in control. Don’t let your peers decide who you will be. Don’t sell your personality to pay the dues for that expensive clique.

For some, the “in” thing to do is drugs.

But doing drugs does not make you cool. As a whole, girls and guys who do drugs, smoke and drink excessively look less attractive to the opposite sex than ones who don’t. More than half of drug overdoses are blamed on peer pressure. Drugs aren’t worth it.

Some other aspects of peer pressure are pointless, but at least they aren’t deadly.

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This need can undermine the morals that anchor you and replace them with empty values that will make your life hollow and purposeless.

There is a simple solution. Learn to love and accept yourself. It’s the most important thing you’ll ever have, and no one can rob that from you. Ever.

Fitting in is great, as long as you’re fitting in with the right people, for the right reasons. But remember, everybody gets hungry. When you’re hungry, a can of dog food may satisfy you, but that doesn’t mean you should eat it.

In the same way, when you want to fit in, make sure it is not in the wrong crowd. Stay in control of your need for acceptance. Who you are, and what you will be, depend on it.