No More Sorry Excuses : O.C. experts see an apology as a sign of strength, not weakness; those who have been hurt have felt its healing power. All agree you can’t move on without it.
I’ll never forget when I was in grade school and a friend and I decided to do some artwork on the side of a randomly chosen mailbox. Although the event seemed almost insignificant as we scribbled on the side of the metal box with permanent markers, giggled and rode off on our bikes, it wasn’t so insignificant later that night when my friend opened her big mouth and told her parents what we’d done.
It was an especially significant event when my father came running into my room after getting a call from her parents with his you’ve-really-done-it-this-time look. In addition to being placed on restriction for the rest of my life, I had a far worse fate bestowed upon me.
“You’re going to those poor people’s house right now and apologize,” he yelled. “Put on your coat and get in the car!”
He drove me to the victim’s house, marched me up to the door and made me ring the bell. When a woman answered, I blurted out, “I’m sorry I wrote on the side of your mailbox. I don’t know why I did it, but I’ll pay for a new one.”
My heart sank at what she might say.
“Well, I appreciate the apology, young lady,” she said, “and thank you for offering to pay for the mailbox, but we were already planning on getting a new one, so you don’t have to worry about it.”
As relief washed over me, I thanked her and left.
To this day, apologizing has not been as hard for me as it was that night, perhaps because I know that not saying you’re sorry is much worse. All I have to do is recall the dread I felt as my father, with an unmoving frown, drove me to my victim’s house.
There are probably no two words that hold more power than “I’m sorry.”
“If an apology is sincere, it can be very powerful, because it validates the feelings of the hurt person,” says Kimberlee Hancock, a marriage-family-child counselor with KAH & Associates in Tustin. “Being sorry indicates that the apologizer realizes that he or she made a mistake and created emotional harm and is willing to take responsibility for doing so.”
While the words I’m sorry can be potent, more often than not people hesitate to say them.
“Some people fight saying they’re sorry because they have a hard time admitting they are wrong,” Hancock says. “Other people get hooked into the idea that they didn’t mean to do whatever it is they did, so they don’t have to apologize.”
Many people can’t say they are sorry because they perceive a real or imagined loss of respect. They fear no longer being seen as perfect and losing power and control, she says.
Men often avoid saying they are sorry because they think that if they admit they are wrong, their significant other will see them as vulnerable and less of a man, Hancock says. Women, on the other hand, worry that what they admit will somehow be held against them in the future.
The truth is saying you’re sorry is actually a sign of strength, Hancock says. When you admit you made a mistake, people will often view you with respect. Saying you’re sorry can also strengthen a relationship and increase trust.
Apologies are also healing.
“People look for an apology; they want to know that you realize you hurt them and had an impact on their lives,” Hancock says. “Without an apology, you really can’t solve problems and move on. The person who was harmed will continue to wait for an apology.”
When the hurt is deep, an apology doesn’t automatically make everything better, but it’s a giant step in the right direction and does enable people to begin the healing process.
Deborah Runner of Laguna Hills knows about the power of an apology. She recently received one from her ex-husband, who took their son, Brian, away from her when the boy was 18 months old and returned him more than 15 years later.
“Although it didn’t erase all those years of torment over wondering where Brian was, my ex-husband’s apology helped me deal with what happened,” she says. “It did my heart good to know that he was sincerely sorry, and I really think apologizing helped him too. It seemed to wash away some of his guilty feelings.”
Runner, 43, says that if she didn’t get an apology from her ex-husband, she would be more restless and angry about what happened. “His apology enabled me to forgive him for those years of being separated from my son,” she says, noting that the forgiveness gave her a long-awaited inner peace.
Even when the hurt is of less magnitude, apologies help everyone lay bad feelings to rest and can teach very important lessons, as Carrol, 46, of Tustin found out. The self-employed graphic designer, who asked that her last name not be published, was working for a company several years ago when she heard from a secretary that another employee had been bad-mouthing her.
“Without thinking much about what I was doing, I confronted the woman who had been talking about me,” Carrol says. “When she denied ever having said anything about me, I told her that the secretary had told me what she said. As soon as I said it, I knew it was the wrong thing to say. The woman went running to the secretary to confront her.”
Carrol apologized to the secretary as soon as she could get her alone, and she says learned a very valuable lesson from the experience. “That incident taught me to always think before I talk and never betray anyone’s confidence.”
For Clint and Donna, who married 12 years ago, the old line that “love means never having to say you’re sorry” is wrong. The couple, who asked that their last names not be used, always apologize when they’ve done something to hurt the other person.
“When you hurt another person without intending to do it, if you don’t say you’re sorry, then what does the other person think?” asks Donna, 52. “The person can’t read your mind and tell that you’re sorry.”
Donna and Clint, who own a small business together in Tustin, have both been married before and learned from their previous relationships not apologizing can harm a marriage.
“Saying you’re sorry keeps the lines of communication open,” says Clint, 61.