Secretaries, Then . . . And Now
Secretaries come and go on TV. Hairstyles, clothing, duties--some secretaries are called executive assistants these days--and work stations have changed with the times. But, basically, personalities seem to stay the same: Most are efficient, like the perfect secretary, Della Street; cocky, like Mildred Krebs; smarter than the boss, like Carol Kester; protective, like Jules Bennett, and frequently meddlesome, like Susie McNamera. But through it all, they were always endearing.
In honor of National Secretaries Day on Wednesday, we salute these unsung heroes, too often taken for granted in real life and reel life.
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ACTRESS: Denny Dillon of “Dream On”
OFFICE NAME: Toby Pedalbee
BUSINESS: Publishing
BOSS’ NAME: Martin Tupper (Brian Benben)
DUTIES: Catch up on personal phone calls; never bring the boss coffee but make sure she has a nice cappuccino; file her nails; make a shopping list of errands; never do the boss’ work; take long lunches; talk back to the boss; eavesdrop when necessary.
DRESS CODE: Attractive, upbeat solid-colored suits accented with silk blouses; often wears a pin with a phone off the hook. Leaves her leather dominatrix outfit at home for the second job.
PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Only gives message if she feels like it, but makes sure that all manuscripts get to the printer in time, since Martin’s often too busy in bed to remember deadlines; offers an opinion on everything, including Martin’s revolving-door social life; gets her personal business done as well as his.
DELLA STREET FACTOR: Pushes the envelope to see how far she can go and not get fired, but is always on top of everything; secretly a great secretary; has her own separate filing system that Martin can’t figure out; files according to her opinions, such as filing under “M” for moron or “J” for jerk.
QUIRKS: Often needs to leave work early to (A) Catch the soaps or (B) Visit one of her incarcerated relatives; also talks incessantly--and at length--about her relatives; her filing system makes her irreplaceable.
WORDS TO WORK BY: “Do it yourself.”
PROMOTION QUOTIENT: High. Sitting on some great ideas like the pop-up Pope book; knows that it will help her become the editor and/or writer she wants to be.
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ACTRESS: Penny Johnson of “The Larry Sanders Show”
OFFICE NAME: Beverly Barnes
BUSINESS: Television talk show
BOSS’ NAME: Larry Sanders (Garry Shandling)
DUTIES: Spend a lot of time signing Larry’s personally autographed photos; get quizzed by Larry on his monologues; cut Larry’s breakfast melon in precisely two-inch squares, which he claims taste better. (Once they were cut too large and Hank had to maneuver the Heimlich on him.)
DRESS CODE: Donna Karan, on a J.C. Penney budget; lots of class with very little money.
PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Sassy, brassy, classy and motherly; spots out negative articles on Larry and hides them from him because he gets depressed; if he does see the articles, she sets him straight (“Get it together Larry, I’m not going to feel sorry for you”).
DELLA STREET FACTOR: Pretty darned high; does all traditional secretarial work and more; she wants to be referred to as an associate or assistant.
QUIRKS: Is always right behind Larry, often no more than five feet away; is a walking drug store; carries breath spray, Visine, month’s supply of Excedrin.
WORDS TO WORK BY: “Good show, Larry” and the occasional, “Great show, Larry” even though she never watches the show because of her preoccupation and concern about Larry.
PROMOTION QUOTIENT: Not much room for promotion; if she wants to be an actress she gets her annual national exposure when Larry brings her on-camera for her birthday, but announces her age to everyone and makes her feel old; she thinks she wants to be somewhere else, but is exactly where she needs to be.
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ACTRESS: Gail O’Grady of “NYPD Blue”
OFFICE NAME: Donna Abandando
BUSINESS: Police
BOSS’ NAME: Lt. Arthur Fancy (James McDaniel) and detectives
DUTIES: Evesdrop without chipping a nail; wade through police bureaucratic paperwork while checking out rookies; know every stop on the Metropolitan Transit as well as marital status of every detective.
DRESS CODE: First-floor Macy’s, never basement; can of Aqua Net; O’Grady says of Donna: “The bigger her earrings, the fewer her lines. Small earrings equate with good work.”
PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Overheard at the precinct: “Donna’s the best at what she does and looks damn good doing it.”
DELLA STREET FACTOR: Very high. Can do it all; able to handle five phone lines while fixing minor office emergencies.
QUIRKS: New York Ranger fanatic.
WORDS TO WORK BY: “So many men, so many wives.”
PROMOTION QUOTIENT: If Donna doesn’t go the archaic route of leaving when she marries, she’ll have to learn to shoot a gun and get a detective badge--or she’ll be replaced by a computer.
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ACTRESS: J.C. Wendel of “Dave’s World”
OFFICE NAME: Mia White
BUSINESS: Newspaper
BOSS’ NAME: Dave Barry (Harry Anderson)
DUTIES: Help Dave answer fan mail; make fun of Kenny (Shadoe Stevens), Dave’s editor; devise maximum-efficiency file and organizational system completely indecipherable to the rest of the office; make sure no one else touches the fax machine; make fun of Kenny.
DRESS CODE: Top-of-the-line designer suits--”cutting-edge Miami chic”; earrings that don’t interfere with answering the phone.
PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Tenacity and ambition are her most admirable qualities: she can type 180 words-per-minute while applying mascara; keep her away from the toner.
DELLA STREET FACTOR: Not much; has a charming smile but would never use that hair spray; thinks legal stuff is real boring.
QUIRKS: She’s the Post-It note queen of the Miami Herald; her notes can be found everywhere.
WORDS TO WORK BY: In her constant obsession to give Dave ideas she offers such observations as: “Why did the dumb blond stare at the orange-juice carton? Because the label said concentrate. Andy Rooney would pay big for that.”
PROMOTION QUOTIENT: To the top with a bullet. Mia says she hopes to be the female Dave Barry or the female Barbara Walters.
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ACTRESS: Elaine Miles of “Northern Exposure”
OFFICE NAME: Marilyn Whirlwind
BUSINESS: Doctor’s office
BOSS’ NAME: Dr. Joel Fleischman (Rob Morrow)
DUTIES: Answer the phones; run errands; help with some medical exams; file; always listen to Joel’s conversations; always know what’s going on before he does; offer briefly worded, philosophical but quite reasonable commentary.
DRESS CODE: Doesn’t have one; wears what she wants; fondness for Native American blanket-coats.
PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Takes messages, but sometimes won’t give them to Joel if she doesn’t think they’re important; knits; writes in her journal; neglects duties for her writing interest.
DELLA STREET FACTOR: Very low; there’s no typewriter in the office, but she takes fast notes; occasionally does transcripts--with commentary; gets coffee infrequently for Joel, only when he asks for it and then delivers it with the standard, “Yeah, OK.”
QUIRKS: Can fix engines and almost anything else; always makes patients take numbers even if there’s only one person in the waiting room; can speak French and play classical Russian music on the piano.
WORDS TO WORK BY: “You have a call on Line 1.” (There is only one line in the office.) “You don’t have any appointments.” (Knowing this makes the workaholic Joel nuts.)
PROMOTION QUOTIENT: Higher than one would think. Once cured everyone of a weird flu. Despite Joel’s opposition, her Native American moose-poop paste worked better than his traditional cures. She has, on several occasions, taken over the office. Despite her proven curative powers, she has also considered firefighting.
** WANTED: SECRETARY **
There’s been no shorter-lived job on TV than secretary to Murphy Brown (played by Candice Bergen). In five seasons, she’s gone through at least 67 hopefuls (and that’s counting twins once), even three on one show. But ever the optimist, “FYI’s” star reporter keeps looking for more applicants.
* Secretary to high-powered television news anchor.
* Must enjoy working under pressure. Tight deadlines.
* Insider Beltway knwowledge a plus.
* Maintain contacts with maitre d’s at key restaurants.
* Must be able to dodge insults.
* Experience: Combat helpful; any work in the mental-health field appreciated.
* Dress code: Flak jacket and helmet.
* Duties: Set up joke for Murphy within the first 10 minutes of show. Psychic powers helpful. Ability to read minds essential.
* Fringe benefits: No worries about rush-hour traffic, will be fired by 11 a.m.
* Need not apply: Celebrity impersonators, twins, aspiring actors, stalkers, ex-cons, religious fanatics, magicians, smokers, tap dancers, crying men and pyronmaniacs.
Call “FYI” if interested.
