The 3 Hs and 3 Rs of Reconciliation

In working with couples of all sexual orientations, Santa Monica psychiatrist Dr. Mark Goulston has devised a kind of alphabet guide to conflict resolution. He breaks the process down into what he calls the three Hs and the three Rs.

First, Goulston said, a person feels injured and hurt . Next comes a feeling of hate , where “you are so infuriated at someone who betrays such a deep level of trust, someone you thought of as an ally who now seems like an adversary.” As a consequence, reaching reconciliation means working through a sense of hesitation , or reluctance to renegotiate the relationship.

To get past these hurdles, one must first feel remorse , meaning, Goulston said, “a sense that they feel hurt at having hurt you. You have to be able to see the apology in their eyes.” Restitution means a demonstrable, tangible signal that shows some degree of sacrifice. Finally, there must be signs of rehabilitation , which in Goulston’s view means that “the person who has inflicted the most harm has to on at least three other occasions show a different behavior.”