LAUGH LINES : At New Network, ‘Heeere’s (Your Name Here)!’

The last thing America needs--aside, of course, from People Who Dump Their Spouses to Marry Farm Animals, on the next “Geraldo!”--is another talk-show host.

But that hasn’t stopped the good folks at America’s Talking, the new all-talk cable network, from conducting a nationwide search for the next Maury or Leeza.

Because I possess what I feel is the most important qualification--I am completely devoid of any shame or self-respect--I figure I’m the man for the job.

To prove it, I went to New York to audition for the America’s Talking Talk Search Contest.

Unless you have been preoccupied with the plight of Adopted Dysfunctional Children of Cross-Dressing Stamp Collectors With Glue Addictions, on the next “Jenny Jones,” you have probably heard about this.

In case you haven’t, here’s the deal: America’s Talking, which will be launched on July 4, is looking for an allegedly normal person to host an exciting national show.

Aspiring hosts must either show up for auditions in one of 10 cities or make audition tapes at home.

Contestants will be judged on such things as creativity and originality of suggested show, personality and likability of the host, ability to communicate with guests, and (this is the one that probably dooms me) general intelligence and knowledge.

The winner, who will be chosen by a panel of celebrity judges and America’s Talking executives, gets a one-year contract for $75,000.

Because I was required to take a vow of poverty when I went into journalism, the money sort of appealed to me. So I bought a blank videotape and headed down to New York, where I immediately noticed that approximately 19,000 people were ahead of me in line.

I exaggerate, of course. (Men With Acute Exaggeration Disorder, on the next “Jane Whitney.”) Actually, I was No. 38, which meant I would have to wait at least four hours.

This gave me plenty of time to: (A) have lunch, which consisted of a bacon cheese hot dog, an order of french fries and not one but two live bugs (no kidding), and (B) watch the other contestants.

One was a psychobabbler who nearly put himself and everyone else to sleep. Another was a foul-mouthed, ratty-haired screamer who almost blew out the sound system. There was the guy who interviewed himself (some contestants brought their own guests). There was the woman who pulled someone from the audition line and pretended the stranger was Martha Stewart.

Then there was Talea, an Oprah wannabe who talked about people who pick their noses. And Linda Pendergraft, who brought a bag of props, including a giant baby bottle “for all the men of the world.”

In the midst of this madness, Elizabeth Tilson, vice president of programming for America’s Talking, was being stalked by a wild-eyed wacko who wanted her to personally view his tape. (Serial Talk-Show Contestants, on the next “Richard Bey.”)

Finally, it was my turn. After being introduced by the mistress of ceremonies, I looked straight into the camera and said I deserved a talk show because (A) I am shameless and (B) I really need the money. The audience liked this. They also appreciated it when I said that because Bisexual Space Aliens With Fallen Arches and People Who Date Their Pets had already been taken by all the other talk shows, my show would be devoted to People With No Major Personal Problems. I added that my show (“Jerry!”) would be named after me.

Then, because I didn’t bring my own guest, I brought up Rose and interviewed her, asking such probing questions as: “Why don’t you have your own talk show?” Rose said she didn’t know, but if she does get one, I’m her first guest.

All in all, I didn’t humiliate myself, which may work against me. All I can do now is mail my tape to America’s Talking Talk Search Contest and hope.

Meanwhile, I am planning my first show: Shameless Newspaper Columnists Who Want To Be Talk-Show Hosts--on the next “Jerry!”