BODY WATCH : From Both Sides of the Stethoscope : THE PHYSICIAN

It’s a scene as old as cave art: patients seething in the waiting room over a 3 o’clock appointment that is nowhere close to happening, and doctors steaming behind their stethoscopes because they are running late--all because patients arrive late, which they do because doctors always run late because patients always arrive late because doctors always run late. . . .

‘Round and ‘round it goes.

So, we asked Liz Brody, senior editor at Shape magazine, and Dr. Jim Allen, a Malibu family physician, to fire off the top peeves of doctors and patients.

* The chronically late patient.

This is a preemptive strike for the traditional complaint of patients about doctors. Typically, this patient shows up about the time you’re supposed to be A) in the O.R. doing the surgical thing; B) in the E.R., attending a critically ill patient, or C) on the first tee.

* Time abusers.

These are patients who try to expand a scheduled 15-minute sore-throat exam into a complete physical, with an impromptu psych consult thrown in for good measure. (Another good reason doctors are sometimes late.)

These patients also wait until 11:30 on a Friday night of a holiday weekend to realize that they’re out of blood pressure medication and then expect you to magically supply them.

* Something for nothing.

I call it the “While-we’re-here scenario”--as in, “While we’re here, could you look at Jennifer’s ears and Mark’s skin rash. . . .”

They would never think of going to a lawyer to discuss suing their doctors and then segue into cajoling a free opinion on Aunt Mildred’s will.

(Also in this category: regulars who consistently use the phone in lieu of an office visit to secure a diagnosis and treatment.)

* Getting stiffed for services.

Patient comes to office with a sexually transmitted disease.

“Just passing through,” patient says.

Is treated with compassion and a $25 injection, plus a few starter (free) samples of an expensive antibiotic. Check bounces. Phony name and address, you get the picture.

* Chronic non-payers.

Unlimited number of excuses. And these same people expect medical reports to be filled out and sent out to schools, work, et al., immediately .

* Non-compliant patient.

Doesn’t matter how many risk factors for coronary disease are present, you can talk until you’re blue in the face but no way will he/she lose weight, give up cigarettes or eat less fat. Medications? Forget it.

* Sarah Bernhardt Syndrome.

Patients who manipulate and over-dramatize any affliction or illness. Usually accompanied by an enabler for heightened effect.

* Drug seekers.

Potentially the most creative field with unlimited stories of pain, allergies (to every analgesic known to man except Demerol, natch), dogs eating their medication, UFOs sucking up their prescriptions.

* The can’t-quite-get-the-hang-of-things patient.

This has two forms: A) those who wait until they’re at death’s door to consider a doctor visit, and B) those who pop in at first sneeze.

* Cleanliness.

Patients who have never established an ongoing relationship with soap and water.