LAUGH LINES : Jokes
Finally over: ABC’s eight-hour miniseries of the Stephen King novel, “The Stand,” ended Thursday night. According to Jay Leno, the only people able to survive the plague were “bad actors.”
Adds Leno: “95% of the world’s population is wiped out . . . and survivors still can’t get Streisand tickets.”
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Short takes: Political pundit Mark Russell on regulating cigarettes as an addictive drug:
“I don’t know if our (DEA) agents have time to start hanging around 7-Eleven stores looking for people who want to score Virginia Slims.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser on the member of Thailand’s parliament charged with bringing 45 tons of marijuana into the U.S. over 14 years:
“Thanong Siriprechapong is also suspected of illegally smuggling consonants for his name.”
Comic Argus Hamilton on the reluctance of GOP members of Congress to send U. S. troops to Haiti:
“Haiti invented voodoo. Republicans could never attack the birthplace of Reagan economics.”
Hamilton redux: What’s the last thing Clinton said to Paula Jones as she left the hotel room?
“What are you going to do, make a federal case out of it?
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L. A. Law’s last show, said Bowers,
Deserves a bouquet of flowers.
Air time: 50 minutes.
Commercials: 10 minutes.
And billable time of 10 hours.
-- Paul LaGloire, Glendale
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Comedy writer Bob Mills says the AMA report that toilet plungers may be as effective as CPR in treating heart attacks has at least clarified one thing:
“Now we know why plumbers make more than doctors.”
Instead of pushing a plunger into the chest area, Jay Leno suggests a better way: “You put the plunger under some guy’s nose. He comes right to . . . and says, ‘Get that thing away from my face.’ ”
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Top 10 update: Laugh Lines received an entry Wednesday, May 11, for our Late Show contest. Unfortunately, the deadline was May 6. Even more unfortunate: It was mailed Wednesday, May 4--from that faraway land: Canoga Park.
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Nancy B. Miller of L. A. says she went to a movie theater just after the Great Popcorn Scandal broke:
I threw caution to the wind, stepped up to buy a box of popcorn, and asked the young concession employee if he had a lot of people commenting about the popcorn scare. Very seriously, he replied: “Some people have asked, but I tell them not to worry. We pop all our popcorn in granola oil . “
