LAUGH LINES : JOKES

To speed up turn-around time on the ground, the major airlines are cracking down on carry-on luggage restrictions that passengers have ignored for years. The first rule to be strictly enforced, reports comedy writer Bob Mills: No refrigerators, washing machines or untethered livestock.

Sidney Biddle Barrows, the Mayflower Madam, was married recently in a church wedding. Comedy writer Tony Peyser says the service ended when the minister said: “You may now kiss the bride, but anything else is a hundred bucks in advance.”

Adds the Gags Gang/Funny Stuff comedy newsletter: “Out of habit, male guests left their gifts on her bureau.”

Comedy writer Chris Staudle, on Roseanne Arnold’s latest petition for divorce: “You have to know your relationship is a mess when the court clerk who files your papers is now on your Christmas list.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on U.S. Rep. Dan Rostenkowski: “He’s the reason most Americans favor a two-term limit: One in office and one in jail.”

Wonders comic Keith Nelson: “How come advertisements for strip clubs are always in the sports section next to ads for thinning hair and impotence?”

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A man alone on an island sees someone bobbing in the surf and rescues her. Turns out to be super model Kate Moss. In gratitude, she vows to do anything the guy wants. He, of course, wants sex and plenty of it.

One day a few weeks later, he asks if she was serious when she said that she would do anything. She says yes, and he tells her to go into the hut, put on his clothes and baseball cap, and let him call her “Steve.” Grudgingly, she complies, and they go for a walk on the beach.

Suddenly he stops, turns to her and says: “Hey Steve! Guess who I’ve been sleeping with?”

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On the air: Barbra Streisand had to cancel her Wednesday concert in Anaheim because of laryngitis. While Babs normally sings “like buttah,” says Greg O’Neill of KXEZ FM (100.3), yesterday she was reportedly singing more like Butt-head.

O’Neill, on the debates between Democrat gubernatorial candidates Kathleen Brown, John Garamendi and Tom Hayden: “While Garamendi and Brown are trying to score points with the voters, Hayden is trying to score tickets to an Eagles concert.”

“How can you tell if Michael Jackson is having a party?” asks Brian Phelps of the Mark and Brian Show on KLOS FM (95.5).

“The driveway is full of Big Wheels.”

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Reader Susan Wolfson of L.A. says her parents were listening to the opera “La Traviata” during a recent car trip. Her mother commented that it was odd that the opera’s chief female character, dying of tuberculosis, never coughed. Quickly, her father replied:

“That’s because she had inconspicuous consumption.”