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LAUGH LINES : JOKES

David Letterman, quoting from President Clinton’s commencement address at the Naval Academy: “Although we don’t have military service in common, I can certainly relate to the idea of shore leave.”

Jay Leno, revealing the slogan for Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s campaign for governor of Michigan: “Let’s put Michigan out of its misery.”

*

Fore!: White House administrative chief David Watkins, who resigned after it was revealed that he flew in a military helicopter to a golf match, would have gotten away with it, humor writer Bob Mills says, “if he’d only kept the chopper on the cart path.”

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The President, Mills says, was livid when told of the incident, fuming: “They only had a threesome !”

Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “Considering all the gaffes there have been in Clinton’s Administration, this is literally par for the course.”

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Rim Shots, Part Deux: How can you tell a gentleman? He’s the one who knows how to play the accordion but doesn’t .

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--Gillian Andrews What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer .

--Noreen Clark, L.A. (A drummer’s wife)

What do you say to a banjo player in the three-piece suit? Will the defendant please rise?

What’s the fastest way to tune a banjo? Wire cutters.

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--Hilda Wenner, Santa Barbara *

The mortician asked the widow if her husband went to church.

“No,” she sobbed.

“Did he belong to Rotary? Kiwanis? Optimists? Elks? Masons? How about Knights of Columbus?”

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All received negative replies.

“Was he a member of the Ku Klux Klan?” the mortician queried.

“What’s that?” the widow whimpered, lifting her head.

“That’s one of those devils under the sheets,” the undertaker explained.

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“That he was,” the widow brightened. “That he was.”

--Argus Hamilton *

Reader Joe Hubbell of Grover Beach recalls when his daughter, 6, caught him off guard with the question: “What’s sex, Daddy?”

I launched into an impromptu, rambling discourse on the birds and the bees that I hoped was on the first-grade level. But I could tell by the frustrated look on her face that it wasn’t.

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Finally, exasperated, she thrust in front of me the Barney Club membership application she was filling out and implored: “Daddy! What do I put here where it says sex? An M or an F ?”


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