THE TUBE : Please Pass the Remote

The 500-channel information superhighway will provide a parking place for every kind of media vehicle. Coming soon:

The Locker Room Channel: Desirable demographics can’t get enough of sports. Remember, this is interactive, so watch out for snapping towels.

The Earthquake Channel: Sponsored by Dr. Kate Hutton’s agent. Goes under the surface to apprise you of each of the hundreds of weekly seismic events. Traditional and psychic predictions.

The Drive-In Channel: Bring that romantic mood back to date night with a faux-windshield interface.

The Post-Structuralist Channel: Deconstruct with Baudrillard, Derrida, Foucault and Jerry Lewis.

The Interest Rate Channel: Keep track of which side of the bed Alan Greenspan wakes up on. Sell your house on rumors, buy it back on rumors. Repeat daily.

The Vacation Channel: Vicarious travel to the most exotic locales on or off the globe in comfort and convenience. Lose your virtual luggage.

The Channeler Channel: Astral beings have the scoop on what’s really going on but can’t reveal themselves directly because you’re just not ready. However, they do take plastic. Seth Watches.

The Information Superhighway Hype Channel: The other 400-plus channels.