COMMITTMENTS : CAN THIS MARIAGE BE SAVED? : For Warring Couple, It’s What They <i> Don’t</i> Say

“I’m so lonely I can’t help wishing I were still single,” sighs Suzanne, 33, who owns a small dressmaking business. When she met Joe, who is seven years younger, “I knew I was in love,” she recalls.

Still, to make sure they were right for each other, they decided to live together for six months. “By that time we were positive we knew each other well,” she adds. “We had the most lavish wedding and honeymoon. How could we have been so wrong?”

Now, just shy of their first anniversary, they battle constantly--almost always about money.

“I want to enjoy life while we’re still young,” explains Suzanne, who vividly remembers how her parents denied themselves any enjoyment because they were afraid they wouldn’t have enough money when they got older. And she’s seen too many of her friends’ marriages collapse because they placed too much emphasis on their careers.

But even though the couple has paid off all debts from their wedding, Joe, a computer technician, is a workaholic and insists on saving every penny. Time and again, she has, with much embarrassment, canceled social plans at the last minute because Joe accepted yet another assignment. Although she loves Joe, she thinks their ideas of what a couple needs are too far apart: “I refuse to settle for half a marriage.”

Joe, 26, is flabbergasted that Suzanne is unhappy enough to seek counseling. He, too, loved their wedding but was shocked to see how much they had actually spent.

Joe had never been in debt before, and it made him upset and anxious. “My grandfather always told me, ‘Spend $4 out of every five you make and put $1 away for the future.” Joe thinks Suzanne acts like a spoiled teen-ager. He hates to see his wife upset but abhors arguing with her.

“While the obvious problem is that Joe and Suzanne are not communicating, the key issue, which they are unaware of, is the underlying power struggle that precipitates their bickering,” says Jane Greer, a marriage counselor in private practice in New York City and Douglaston, N.Y.

Many couples have preconceived notions of whom their ideal mate will be. Because they are in love, they idealize their partners, but that can often obscure the expectations each has for marriage. They may not discover until much later that some of their deepest values are in conflict. For instance, Joe was driven by a need for financial security and was shocked at his wife’s cavalier attitude toward their future. Suzanne was influenced by her parents, who continued to deny themselves any happiness. Each assumed the other felt the same way.

Could unspoken expectations be at the root of your arguments? To find out, write down five characteristics or qualities you hope to find in a partner. Also jot down five things that you hope will never surface. Be honest.

When Suzanne and Joe compared lists, they saw they had noted many of the same qualities: being open and honest with each other emotionally, spending time together, mutual trust and respect. This exercise gave them the courage to work on compromises.

Suzanne and Joe mapped out a social schedule together, and because she had listed keeping promises as one of her essential characteristics, Joe vowed to respect these plans. Seeing his effort, Suzanne became less argumentative, which eased the tension and did much to pave the way for further changes.

Now, they make an effort to spend time together--over coffee in the morning, at dinner, whenever they can grab a few minutes to discuss what they believe in and dream about. This, too, helps them reaffirm how much they do have in common.