It’s Never Over Until the ‘Ishtar’ Guys Sing

Game 1:

The Houston Summit is filled with 16,000 people, 5,000 of whom wiped their cowboy boots on the mat by the door, 3,500 of whom pronounce Olajuwon’s first name “Hack-keem,” 2,000 of whom pronounce Patrick’s last name as “Ewin’,” 250 of whom think Nigeria is that place with the waterfall where people go on their honeymoons, 4,000 of whom hate picante sauce made in New York City, 1,250 of whom work in the oil bidness and all of whom have never seen Houston win anything in anything.

The national anthem is sung by Billy Bob Harry Dean Joe Clint Travis. It goes: “Oh, oh, say, can y’all see, bah the dawn’s early lot. . . . “

The New York Knicks take the floor, John Starks head-butting the guy who sang the anthem, Derek Harper throwing two of Houston’s players to the floor, Anthony Mason kicking a cheerleader in both shins and Charles Oakley punching the Houston radio announcer’s lights out.

The Rockets win, 91-88, as Olajuwon gets 41 points and 21 rebounds in front of his very proud parents, who had no idea this was what their son did for a living.

Game 2:

The Summit is filled with 16,000 people, 14,000 of whom come dressed exactly like Pat Riley, except, of course, for the gigantic belt buckles and turquoise jewelry.

The national anthem is sung by Wynonna Emmylou Loretta Crystal. It goes: “And the Rockets’ red glare, the bombs burstin’ in air, don’t y’all hate New York, how can anyone live there? . . . “

Minutes into the game, Vernon Maxwell is ejected for pulling Marv Albert’s wig off. Maxwell chases two TV cameramen down a hallway, out Gate B, through Greenway Plaza, down the freeway toward Intercontinental Airport and into the gift shop near the barbecue-honey-roasted peanuts before he is restrained. This could be a rough series.

Without him, the Rockets lose, 87-84, and trade Robert Horry to Detroit.

Game 3:

Madison Square Garden is filled with 19,000 people, 9,000 of whom think the Alamo is a rent-a-car chain, 2,500 of whom ask if Houston’s basketball floor was covered with AstroTurf, 7,250 of whom haven’t had their garbage picked up for two weeks and 250 of whom arrive late for the tipoff because they came from Texas and didn’t understand a single word their taxi drivers said.

The national anthem is sung by Madonna and five NBA players she currently dates.

Patrick Ewing is the hero for the Knicks, who win, 70-69, when one of the referees claims that Ewing was fouled by Maxwell on the final play. This call was somewhat surprising, seeing as how Maxwell was not in the game at the time.

Game 4:

Madison Square Garden is filled with 19,000 people, 19 of whom can’t wait to get home to watch Conan O’Brien.

The national anthem is sung by the rap group Kill the 24-Second Clock. At the end of the song, all four rappers take out automatic weapons and destroy the clocks at both ends of the floor.

Again, the Knicks win, 50-49, on a free throw by Charles Smith, who is given six chances to sink one by a referee who keeps calling a Houston player for a lane violation. Afterward, the Knicks are so happy that six of them decide not to punch Rudy Tomjanovich.

Game 5:

Madison Square Garden is filled with 19,000 people, most of them caught by surprise at finding the New York Rangers and Vancouver Canucks still skating in quintuple-overtime from the previous night’s game.

The national anthem is sung by Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, who follow with a selection of other hits from the motion picture “Ishtar.”

The Knicks expect little trouble in defeating the Rockets, who have been shocked by Olajuwon’s last-minute decision to skip the game and fly back to Texas so that he can watch Nigeria prepare to play Bulgaria in the World Cup.

Surprisingly, the Rockets give the Knicks a good game, at least until a referee calls six fouls on every player on Houston’s roster and awards New York the championship by forfeit.

During the celebration, Pat Riley says: “I guarantee we will repeat next season,” after which he is beaten to a bloody pulp by his own players.