Using Fans in Bullpen Might Cool Lasorda

Dodger Stadium has a popular promotion called “Think Blue” week. Another one begins Monday. It is big fun.

For some lucky customer, the Dodgers might have Fantasy Organist for a Night. Or maybe, Fantasy Bat Boy or Bat Girl for a Night. Or maybe, Fantasy Public-Address Announcer or even Fantasy Sportswriter for a Night.

Well, I’ve got a new one:

Fantasy Relief Pitcher.

Say, fans! How would you like to pitch one inning of a real Dodger baseball game? Well, now you can!

Send your name, age and radar-gun velocity to:

Tommy (Save Me!) Lasorda c/o Comic Relief Dodger Stadium Los Angeles 90074

As you know, the Dodger manager is developing an ulcer the size of third base. Lasorda doesn’t need a phone number for the bullpen. He needs 911.

That bullpen door creaks open, it’s like “Tales From the Crypt.”

Scary.

I know you loyal, blue-thinking Dodger fans have all been accused of leaving baseball games too early, but let me give you some unbelievably good advice:

Uh, don’t.

Dodger games are like the NBA’s. They don’t get really interesting until the last two minutes.

For all of June now, the Dodger bullpen hasn’t saved a thing, including Lasorda’s sanity. Todd Worrell and rookie Darren Dreifort in particular have worked with the approximate effectiveness of veteran right-hander Jose Canseco.

Things got so crazy, the Dodgers sent for Ismael Valdes, a pitcher who is only 20 years old and so new to baseball he will need to introduce himself to everybody. “Call me Ismael,” he’ll say.

Too bad they didn’t try him Saturday. Lasorda stayed too long with Orel Hershiser in the eighth inning, undoubtedly because he was reluctant to use the bullpen.

Meanwhile, the manager has had a minor mutiny on his hands.

First, it was shortstop Jose O-fer-4 Offerman, who was so infuriated by being asked to sacrifice bunt with the pitcher on deck that he came back and threw everything he could lay his hands on, except Lasorda’s parakeets.

Tommy had to chase Jose down a runway.

Next, it was Worrell and evidently catcher/co-conspirator Mike Piazza who ignored Lasorda’s orders to hold Florida’s Chuck Carr close to first base. Carr stole second, scored the game-winning run on a single and cackled that the Marlins know the secret to beating the Dodgers “if you can get to their bullpen.”

The same strategy the Marlins have been using throughout their long and glorious baseball history.

When Worrell said he needed to concentrate more on the batter, Lasorda, in three words a player hates to hear a manager utter, said:

“He said what ?”

Like a marlin, Tommy was fit to be tied.

Furthermore, it seems Dodger starter Pedro Astacio was so displeased about being lifted for a reliever he later told a Spanish-speaking reporter he didn’t understand “the mentality of the old man” (Lasorda) because he wanted to finish the game.

Lasorda evidently gave the whole team a piece of his mentality after the game. It reportedly could be heard throughout Ft. Lauderdale and in portions of West Palm Beach and Boca Raton.

Well, good news.

Ramon Martinez and Kevin Gross came through with complete games. Tom Candiotti volunteered to do emergency mop-up. Pitchers pitched in to help. Everybody thought blue.

Now, you can too.

In the ninth inning, when pitching coach Ron Perranoski comes out of the dugout, don’t just sit there. Wave your right arm. Volunteer.