Ship Out Velthoen

The city of Ventura’s need for a new city manager has inspired people down here in Port Hueneme to do their part. We are willing to sacrifice, and do we have a deal for you. It could be that Port Hueneme City Manager Dick Velthoen is about ready to move on to bigger and better things. In any event, even if he isn’t quite ready, people down here are. Parts of Mr. Velthoen have just outgrown our little town, and he really needs more room to roam, a bigger piece of the pie, another sheep to fleece, etc.

Mr. Velthoen has a particular passion (or obsession, depending on your point of view) for developing a fancy RV resort so as to impress his fat-cat friends. This has caused trouble in Port Hueneme, where the yokels don’t understand that the “trickle down” from their wallets to City Hall is for the greater good.

As it happens, Ventura already has an RV resort, and it has fallen on hard times. So Mr. Velthoen could just apply some of the techniques he has learned in Port Hueneme.

You see, what you do is declare this resort to be an amenity rather than the blight that it really is. Then you can charge extra for any citizen who has a view of it, or who can see someone else who can see it. In Hueneme we get some consultant to come in and testify that this will actually increase property values. This makes it all legit, while having the added benefit of firing up the yokels at the same time. I admit I’m not real sure how it works--no one does other than Dick, and that’s the beauty of it.

In the spirit of disclosure I have to admit that Dick will cost a whole lot more than Mr. Baker did, but worth every extra thousand, I guarantee. Also, we will provide free transportation for Dick out of Hueneme. I didn’t catch all the details, but I recall that it somehow involves a rail.

JOANNA SMITH

Port Hueneme