Els Is the New King of His Arena

Downey’s California:

--He mops his brow with a golf towel. He flips the soggy towel to the gallery. He demonstrates his tee stance one last time. He wiggles his hips. He leaves the U.S. Open in a white shirt, white slacks and white jacket.

Ladies and gentlemen, Els has left the arena!

--”Chokelyn.”

A Spike Lee joint.

--Tonya Harding, wrestling manager:

“Come on! Whip his butt! Here, whack his knee with this! Pow! That’s it! Wham! Gouge his eyes out! Good! OK, circle him, circle him! Now attack! Let’s go! What is this--wrestling or ice dancing! Mix it up! Do something! Anything! Pretend your shoelace is broken! Get him! OK, somebody get me this guy’s hotel room number! Man! Do I gotta do everything around here?”

--Bulletin:

Seven-foot-tall goalkeeper joins native Nigeria soccer team! Retires from NBA championship team! Film at 11!

--Orange hair? Orange beard?

Sorry, but I still say American soccer player Alexi Lalas looks like Woody Allen disguised as El Presidente in the movie “Bananas.”

--Prediction, 1996:

Seriously motivated Colombian basketball team 102, totally surprised U.S. Dream Team 101.

--Question: Why did the Bay Area go after both Darryl Strawberry and the L.A. Raiders?

Answer: They hoped to get 16 games out of each of them.

--No, no, no, I seriously doubt Ken Griffey Jr. will hit 162 home runs.

--The Houston Rockets are to championship basketball what Tom Arnold is to Shakespeare.

--Seen that TV exercise commercial? Chris Evert walks really funny.

--Wyatt Earp never walked that funny and he wore chaps all day.

--Remember when I said nobody could beat Steffi Graf? Uh, never mind.

--Did you know that if actress Halle Berry married Los Angeles sportscaster Gary Apple and then divorced him to marry Dodger shortstop Eddie Pye that she would then be Halle Berry Apple Pye?

--Michael Jordan, designated misser:

No home runs, one triple in three months. For a 6-foot-6, 200-pound baseball batter, he ain’t exactly Mr. Power, is he?

--Laker shake-up:

Later today, sources tell me, the Lakers will promote Mitch Kupchak to Grand Chief Executive General Manager and Jerry West to High Exalted Numero Uno Head Honcho General Manager.

--The impossible.

Man walks on moon. Nixon resigns office. Communism ends. Berlin Wall falls.

The really impossible.

Cleveland wins pennant?

--Only three things make me nervous.

One, the threat of nuclear war. Two, the state of the global economy. Three, Andre Rison’s girlfriend.

--Some people frown on Fox TV’s proposed NFL announcing team of Pat Summerall, John Madden and Heather Locklear, but not me.

--I looked up moron in the dictionary.

It said: “(noun) 1. Adult with the intelligence of a child. 2. Stupid person. 3. Person who cheers for O.J. Simpson’s car.”

--Speaking of morons:

In the book, “Forrest Gump” is 6-6, 242 pounds by his 16th birthday. In the film, “Forrest Gump” is Tom Hanks. I love Hollywood more than life itself.

--Coming this Christmas:

“The Hakeem Olajuwon Story,” starring Wesley Snipes. “Babe Ruth II,” with Woody Harrelson. “Martina,” starring Holly Hunter. “Jimmy Johnson and Jerry Jones,” with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.

--USA-Romania this Sunday.

If you Romanians now fear our great soccer superpower and wish to back out, we will understand.

--By the way, is soccer fever in Romania called Romaniamania?

--More later on that report about the Minnesota Timberwolves moving to Cameroon.