COMMITMENTS : Keeping Quiet Only Lets Hurts Fester

“Brian and I have nothing to talk about anymore,” says Nan, 47, who has three grown children and works part time as a children’s librarian. “If I say, ‘How about a movie?’ he says, ‘I hate movies.’ If I say, ‘Let’s get a pizza,’ he says, ‘I’m not in the mood.’ ” She wonders how a good marriage could become so empty.

Nan and Brian have been married for more than 20 years and for most of that time, Nan says, she felt like a single mother. “Whether it was renovating the house, taking care of sick children or ferrying them to one activity or another, it was always me, not Brian, who was on call. My mother was there to help out more often than my husband was,” Nan says. Brian was always too busy with his graphics business to be involved, she claims.

But while Nan could rationalize Brian’s attitude toward her, she still can’t condone his treatment of the children. Slowly but surely, she recalls, he became totally removed from their lives. “One night I was the only mother at Andy’s father-son soccer dinner. Brian forgot all about it when some big job came in.”

Other times, she recalls, he’d charge through the door, just before bedtime, and suggest a rousing game of Monopoly. But that always made her look like the bad guy when she had to point out that it was a school night.

Nan’s mother died recently, and her death has caused Nan to take stock of her life. “Brian has no understanding of anyone else’s needs. The only person Brian thinks about is himself,” she says with disgust. “All these years, I never complained, but now, when I tell Brian how I feel, he says I’m crazy. I look at all the divorced women my age, and I know if I ever left, I’d be all alone,” she continues. “I don’t want that, but I don’t want an empty shell of a marriage, either.”

Brian, 49, thinks Nan’s problems are mostly her own creation. “She’s got the idea that I don’t love her anymore, that I should be more attentive. If she’d just open her eyes, she’d see I’m here,” he adds.

Brian is the first to admit that he worked a lot all those years: “But I did it for Nan and the children.” And if anyone was made to feel unwanted, it was he. Nan was always Superwoman, raising the kids and doing everything herself, from plastering to plumbing repairs. “She never asked for my help, never wanted my opinion,” he says. “The first person she called was her mother.”

On top of that, he says, Nan always had her own strict timetable for accomplishing something. “And if I didn’t get it done fast enough--if a last-minute project came through at work and I felt compelled to take it--Nan would berate me for disappointing the kids. Why couldn’t she remind me about that soccer dinner,” he wonders, “instead of simply showing up herself?”

In fact, whenever he tried to do something special and spontaneous, Nan would cancel his plans. Then and now, Brian feels he can never, ever, win.

“For 20 years, these two had stuck their heads in the sand and refused to speak honestly to each other. No wonder they felt like strangers,” says Jane Greer, a marriage counselor in New York.

Brian was torn between wanting to be with his family and feeling responsible for their welfare, but he never confided in Nan. She had noticed her husband’s slow retreat but, ever the dutiful wife, she didn’t complain and struggled in her lonely way to manage everything. Nan assumed Brian didn’t care; he assumed she wanted to do it her way.

But failure to talk about issues that trouble you when they trouble you sets a bad precedent. Before Brian and Nan can feel close again, they have to stop jumping to the wrong conclusions, which only perpetuates angry feelings. These guidelines can help them do that.

* Remember that you’re entitled to be angry. Nan never gave herself permission to be upset with Brian, and as a result, she felt uncomfortable expressing her feelings.

* Speak up when an issue is important, but not in the heat of anger. Stick to what therapists call “I” rather than “You” language, which helps you express your feelings: “I feel hurt” or “I am sad,” rather than the accusatory “You never” or “You always.”

* If you know you’re angry but can’t figure out what’s at the root of that anger, try writing about your feelings. By getting thoughts down on paper, you may be able to spot a pattern to the anger. From there, you can figure out what to do.

* Don’t make assumptions about your partner without checking them out first. Many people leap to a conclusion that may or may not be accurate. Instead, you might say: “I’m confused about” or “Was there a reason for what you did?” Your questions should not be provocative. Your goal is to find out what went wrong and how, not to prove your partner wrong.