LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: “Tuesday’s riot in Huntington Park was not caused by soccer fans, as originally reported. Rather, it was started by people who had just heard Faye Dunaway singing in a nearby karaoke bar.”

--Richard Turnage, Robert W. Morgan Show “Despite the President’s ongoing feud with Rush Limbaugh, the National Transportation Safety Board still recommends that all drivers listen to Limbaugh on their car radios. They figure you’re always safer with an extra air bag coming out of the dashboard.”

--Argus Hamilton The FDA alleges that the tobacco industry has been secretly adding twice the amount of nicotine to cigarettes to make them more addictive. “In a related story, Kraft has admitted that they’ve been adding twice as much whiz to their jars of cheese.”

--Morning Sickness, Premiere Radio Network “Upcoming this evening on ‘Nightline’: Ted Koppel moderates a panel discussion of experts on the question: Which has more artificial parts--the genetically engineered tomato or Cher?”

--Mark Miller *

A man walks into a garage and tells the mechanic: “I broke down just outside town. When I looked under the hood to see if it was something I could fix, I heard somebody say, ‘Maybe it’s the carburetor.’ I looked around, but didn’t see anyone. All I saw was a horse on the other side of a barbed-wire fence.”

“Was it a brown horse with a white spot on its forehead?” the mechanic asked.

The man said yes, he thought so.

“Well, I wouldn’t pay any attention to him,” the mechanic replied. “He doesn’t know a damned thing about cars.”

--Gil Montoya, L.A. *

New in stores this week is the Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang. The cover says it costs $50. But, wonders comedy writer Tony Peyser, considering what the dictionary is about, shouldn’t it say 50 simoleons ?

New York State University researchers say that they were surprised to discover that infants as young as 4 1/2 months already know their names? More surprising, reports comedy writer Bob Mills, was the finding that girls as young as 6 months often know the names and addresses of major department stores.

Sen. Ted Kennedy’s version of a national health plan has economists confused about how it might affect average citizens, says reader Larry Swerdlow. “There’s no deductible, which is good. On the other hand, there is a dress code and a cover charge.”

*

Reader Denise Davis of Saugus says that several years ago, while explaining George Washington’s inauguration to her fifth-graders, she mentioned that he rode on a coach down the streets of New York:

Nick, a rather outgoing student, responded very seriously: “Coach? If he’s President, shouldn’t he be able to travel first class?”