LAUGH LINES : Jokes

President Clinton has been getting a surprisingly good response to his new Legal Defense Fund, reports comedy writer Bob Mills:

“O.J. even contributed one of his lawyers.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the West Virginia convict who escaped after scaling an 18-foot wall with dental floss braided into the thickness of a telephone cord:

“Police are on the lookout for anyone who appears suspicious . . . and who has lots of food stuck in his teeth.”

Peyser, on New York’s Central Park Zoo arranging for $25,000 in psychotherapy for Gus, a bored, neurotic, stressed-out, 700-pound polar bear:

“Animal behavior expert Tim Desmond hopes to help Gus get in touch with his inner cub.”

Due to severe budget reductions in defense spending, the Pentagon has announced some very drastic cuts, says comic Brad Slaight:

“They are even thinking of changing their name to the Square .”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on last month’s vote in Congress to lift the arms embargo on Bosnia:

“That was great news for U.S. manufacturers of automatic weapons. Most high schools are out for the summer and they really need the business.”

Reader Gary Cox of Santa Monica offers a consumer warning: “Remember, men, you can buy your wife a pair of Heidi Fleiss pajamas for $50. But it’ll cost you $1,500 to get her to take them off.”

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Strange, but true, Part I: From the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service application for citizenship: “Have you ever knowingly committed any crime for which you have not been arrested?”

--Richard Simon

Part II: Funding for the closed-captioning of “The Beverly Hillbillies” on KTTV (Channel 11) comes from the U.S. Department of Education.

--Ben Elder

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A guy walks into a crowded bar one rainy day and takes a seat. The bartender asks him what he’d like to drink, and the man replies, “Nothing, thank you. I tried liquor once. Didn’t like it.”

Later, the bartender returns, pulls out a pack of cigarettes and offers the man one. “No thanks,” the man says. “Tried tobacco once. Didn’t like it.”

A few more minutes pass before the bartender offers the man a copy of the Daily Racing Form. “No thanks,” he again replies. “Tried gambling once. Didn’t like it. I’m only here waiting for my son.”

Says the bartender: “He’s an only child, eh?”

--Gil Montoya, Los Angeles

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Reader Amy Olmor of Rancho Cucamonga says that while her engineer husband is somewhat reserved at work, he often acts a little offbeat at home:

While we were eating breakfast one day, our 5-year-old daughter, Maggie, asked if her father ever took drugs. After a long pause, I replied, “Why do you ask?”

“Because,” she said, “he’s weird.”